Hey, what’s this? OMGz!! THE WORLDS LARGEST CASINO ON THE INTERNET!!!!1 I cannot tell you how many times I have been on the internet and thought “asdfjkl;!?” but that’s beside the point. The urge to go to this casino and waste my money while never actually experiencing any fun intrigues me so much that I… must… go… gamble… the flashing lights… the fake, cheesily rendered dice…. It all reminds me of speeding down the interstate in King Kashue’s Cadillac with the police in hot pursuit… Ahhh… unfortunately, King doesn’t know about that bit of handy–work, so if you see him looking for a car tell him that Ghand ate it.

Speaking of Ghand, when you grenade climb, make sure you always press the right key. As opposed to getting complacent and pressing the “throw item off the top of the Statue of Liberty” key.

By the way, last month people complained that my article didn’t make much sense. Well, let me explain why: You see, several factors contributed to distracting me from concentrating on the true purpose of the article. For example, I somehow caused a strange bug in my copy of Deus Ex on my current play–through for the article. You see, everything worked fine, except for one thing: Whenever I placed a grenade, of any sort, my speakers would emit a sound comparable to the sound gigantic mice would make in the eternal tortures of all nine hells. Wee bit ironic, eh? (That’ll teach me to key out to IRC while grenade climbing)

Obviously, insanity kinda makes a guy forget his commitments, and if it wasnt for the floating gas grenades plaguing my dreams at night, I would probably forget about content and the article would fall victim to off topic ramblings having nothing at all to do with… grenade… climbing… … … oh….

Err.Solution = Let’s forget that last part ever happened, mkay? So as I was saying, I’ve eliminated all of the distractions so that hopefully, I can be at the apex of my creativity. People that complained about the last article making little sense will be pleased to know that upcoming articles in this series will make absolutely NO sense whatsoever.

You have my word, loyal reader, that if there is a way for something to make negative sense, I will find a way to pull it off.

But anyway… This month I grenade climbed the skyscrapers in Hell’s Kitchen. After climbing the poorly lit skyscraper near the subway, I got lost.... But after walking around for a few hours I swallowed my pride and asked for directions. I felt like a constipated Santa Claus, galloping across the rooftops against the nighttime skybox, delivering little Gas Grenade “presents” to the NSF troops. The only problem was falling off the roofs… That seemed to happen a lot… The soldiers I fell on even offered me some Gas Grenades! Unfortunately, I had just gibbed… but think of it as “gibbing in joy”.

Now I answer the question that EVERYONE has wondered at least once: “Is it possible to shoot a basket in Deus Ex?” The answer is yes!! WITH YOUR SILENCED PISTOL!! HAHAH GEDDIT? Oh, fine... I’ll go find out….

As you can see, I’ve constructed an intricate and rather colorful set of steps using grenades of various types. (Pretty, neh?) I did this instead of using two grenades like usual because if I were to bend over on the fence to grab the ball I would probably get my underwear stuck on the fence and end up hanging there all day. A man can only be traumatized by the same incident just so many times…. I encourage you to attempt this yourself, by the way. Heck, I’ll even walk you through it! Heres a tip: watch out for the top of the fence! It is so sharp that it can pop the basketball! I did this a few times before I realized where the ball was going… either that or it slipped through a map hole….

The only way I could get on top of the fence without popping the ball was to hop on it backwards. As you can imagine, I over–hopped quite a few times, and once I even popped the ball on the way down. L( But then I realized that I could just set another grenade and walk up it…. So then, the next step was to jump from the fence to the backboard of the hoop.

AND DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT COMPLAINING ABOUT THE QUALITY OF THAT PICTURE! Why, back in my day, we were happy to get a picture of an Etcha-Sketch! Repetition of “Antisotropic mip–mapping” in rapid succession makes me hungry for nummy grenade climbing goodness™! Hmm? Oh yes…. Now to precariously place the basketball into the hoop. Or more accurately, on the hoop. As you can see, the mapper decided not to cut out the hoop! That fewsal

There, the mystery is solved!! Sign me up for the Knicks! (or somesuch)

What, you want more nade climbing goodness? Fine! Then you get reruns! I’m going to grenade climb Liberty Island… again.

See, that guy has the right idea! You see, he doesn’t care that his partner, Mr. UNATCOGuy1, says that the island is off–limits. I’m sure that if he had some grenades he would go exploring the island too. WHY DID THEY CLOSE IT OFF, you ask? Because half the map is gone! Thats right! Vandals stole it! Those ballsocks! I tell ya… you leave a national monument alone for 10 minutes and what happens? People steal parts of it!

Colorful, neh? But yes, its true... the base of the Statue of Liberty has been sheared off on the far end of the island, and the ground is so dark that it sucks in light! (Much like the way that carnie sucks in customers with his cheap insults… cost me five bucks because he called me a pant…)

If you fall over edge, I’m not gonna haul your butt back up…. Also, THE DOORS ARE FAKE! Just like in that movie Blazing Saddles!! But tey biggest suprise was that at the floor just below the ledge there is a present!!! It is two LAMs attached to the wall and two barrels of gas that are perfect for pushing over the ledge!

And that is when I realized that the statue was probably full of dynamite set by the sheriff so that Hedly would go boom. So I ran back to UNATCO, but forgot half the statue was missing and broke my legs. Good times….

We’ll be right back after these messages!
____
Do you enjoy grenade climbing? Want to chat in real–time with likeminded gamers? Have an IRC program? Then you should check out #grenclimb !!! That’s right, an IRC channel on Gamesnet specifically for DX grenade climbers and frequented by yours truly! Want a position there? Want status and POWER? That’s not a problem! Join #grenclimb today! –This message brought to you by OiNutter, the self–aggrandizing jackhole.
_____

*Oi tears into mail*
Mmm – hey! There are no cookies in here? Who told me there would be? Meh!

My first article sure provoked a lot of response from the community!

(This picture has not been modified in any way.)
*Accidentally clicks on inbox* Whoops!

Hmm…. Hey, here’s a letter that I wouldn’t feel ashamed of publishing!

Hello.

I said I’d give you a grenade climbing story, so here
goes.

In Paris there’s a big monument–thingie pretty close
to where you pop up from the suers (sp?). For the heck
of things I thought I’d get to the top of it. The
thing is however that there’s a ledge at the top
stoping me (much like how the ledge on the Lady
stopped you from climbing to the top). However,
there’s a building complex right next to it. It’s
slightly higher too, so the plan was now to climb to
the top of that and then jump over to the
monument–thingie. I climbed, fell^3 until I finally
reached the top of the building and jumped to the top
of the monument–thingie. I looked in my inventory and
saw I had a bottle of wine. To celebrate I fired that
up, brought out my sniper–rifle and tried shooting
pigeons. I killed two until I fell of the ledge and
died.

Attached is a really really dark screenshot in
bmp–format (that’s my most advanced drawing program).

–El Patito

[Despot] Symphonic.

Thanks. I was especially intrigued by all the “thingies” and how you “fell^3”. Perhaps you could tell me more next month? Because I hear that falling cubed is even more painful than falling squared.

*OiNutter looks at watch*

*OiNutter realizes he doesn’t have a watch*

*Oi decides to fake it*

Oh well, it looks like that’s all the time we have for this month! BUT FEAR NOT! For I leave you with a contest!

This is where you send me your pictures from your grenade climbing adventures! Next month my selected panel of judges will select Tey Besterest(tm) pic! Winner will receive… DRUMROLL! An autographed picture of that seksay mofo, CoMpUdOc! (Whoops I spelled his name wrong in the last article…)

Join me next month when I announce the winner and publish their pic, while simultaneously providing text content for an article and telling you what pic will be the prize for that month! Ain’t I talented?

Illogic is the humor of the rigidly logical. Ponder this at great length. So when you do, I can slip past you and steal your food. And if anyone sees someone wearing pancakes for pants, you will know why....

MAIL ME, FOOLIOS!

–fin–