Seven, a significant number...the ancients knew that it was imbued with a import beyond just that of a
common numeral...seven wonders, seven seas, seventh heaven, seventh seal... seven is a number of power,
power reaching into the hoary mists of the past...seven is...huh?...are you talking about movies again?...
Seven...yes, I've seen it...yes Brad Pitt was good...yes, I know he was in Twelve Monkeys...
you know, I've never watched the whole thing...why do you bring it up?...no reason?...then can I get back to my intro?...
thank you...as I was saying, seven is a number...what?...Son of a...I knew you were going to
mention Bruce Willis!!! You know, honestly, I'm thinking that you're obsessed with him, it seems to be
getting out of control...I'm worried about you...it's just not healthy...you probably liked Hudson Hawk
...like I said, unhealthy...
Well, here we are again, once again journeying down the Path to Illumination, threading the steps towards
the eye of the pyramid...Can we pause for a moment?...Thanks...I'd like to take the opportunity to
respond to my respected *cough* colleague here at PDX, Ghandaiah. In his Thanksgiving special he
made allusion to the possibility that I look like this:
May I just say that this is false. I do understand that Ghandaiah was joking, and that he is in fact
incapable of dealing with any matter seriously (His doctors are thinking of naming a disorder after him),
but this particular joke crosses the line. I am a very dashing and mysterious king, and I simply cannot
have people making ridiculous accusations that I in any way resemble roast poultry. I have arranged for
a few pictures to be shown to illustrate my point. You will see that I am in fact, dashing as well as
mysterious, and hopefully we can put this whole "turkey" thing to rest.
Can we put up the first picture? This one is particularly dashing...
*vein in forehead throbs*
Would someone mind explaining what that is?!? What is going on in the control room?
uh huh...yeah...Ghand's up there?!?...Well get him out of there!!!
It seems as if Ghand has overpowered my tech monkeys (all twelve of 'em) and is messing about with
the controls...nothing to worry about, all kings have a brute squad to deal with such issues ("I'm on the
brute squad"..."you are the brute squad"...).
All taken care of?...Good...As I was saying, I'm very dashing and mysterious, oh forget it, just put up
the first picture...
Here I am, being all charming and dashing with the ladies...
And here I am about to kick someone's butt...
And here I am as a turkey...
Son of a...He's back in the control room!!! Get him out of there!!! That's it...time for drastic
measures...
release the robotic Richard Simmons...
*pause*
*pause*
*screams in background*
*pause*
...excellent...
Well, with that out of the way, it's time to move on to the task at hand. There has been a bit of a fall
off in the number of questions I've received recently, so if you've got any new questions send them to me.
Whoo-boy, we haven't even done the first question and I already need to lie down...But, the show must
go on (because Despot has a taser...) so the first question today, asked by "Matt" (again with the kooky
alias), is:
"If light (radiation) cannot escape the star's gravity, how do we know they exist?"
Ahhh this is an interesting question, and allows me to engage in one of my favorite rants (which is, quite
honestly, the reason I chose it). The answer is quite simply "we don't". Black Holes exist only in
Astronomical theory.
For those not familiar with the concept of a black hole, I'll explain it in simple terms (this isn't going to be
very nuanced so I don't want all of you physics people writing in about stuff I've left out...you know who
you are). Okay, so the gravitational pull of a celestial body is directly related to its mass. For example,
Jupiter is bigger than Earth so it has a greater gravitational pull...got it? Okay, so this is where black holes
come in. The theory is that a black hole is a small ultra-dense collection of matter (probably a dead and
collapsed star) that has such a tremendous gravitational pull that even light (which if you didn't know,
is affected by gravity) cannot escape. The problem with this phenomenon is that if it does indeed exist
it is exceedingly difficult to document, all of the evidence would be of a negative sort (e.g., no light, no
other celestial bodies, no other matter, etc.) which is kinda difficult to determine.
With that said, here's the rant. Scientists are constantly blowing smoke! Most of you have probably
heard about black holes, and most of you probably were told about them in a manner that made them
seem like fact, and that's the problem, they're not fact. Black holes are a highly plausible
theory, but we don't have proof of their existence. Scientists do this a lot. The scientific community
seems to be unwilling to say "it's highly likely, but we're not sure"...they say this among themselves, but
to the general public they speak as if they're sure; and they're not! How many of you have been told
the following: The center of the earth is molten rock? That certain dinosaurs acted certain ways (e.g.,
'raptors worked together, or any of that other Jurassic Park nonsense)? That Global warming exists?
Or that the weather of the Earth is cyclical, governed by activity in Solar radiation? That Evolution actually
occurred (they're pretty sure it did, which is itself a stretch, but have no idea how, but they don't say that...)? Most of you have probably
heard that stuff, and most of you have probably heard it framed as fact, when it is just theory.
Some of those are generally agreed upon, and have pretty good secondary evidence (such as the center
of the Earth being molten rock) but others have weak support, serious problems, or are almost pure conjecture (evolution, or
the behavior of dinosaurs). In other words, the center of the Earth may be molten rock; the Earth moves
through space in a manner consistent with a dense liquid core, molten rock does spew out of holes in the
ground, but that's all secondary evidence (but, pretty convincing evidence). Scientists have never
visited the center of the Earth, nor has any probe of any sort, so primary evidence does not exist. In
other cases the statement of theory as fact is almost irresponsible. Saying that any concept about
the social habits of dinosaurs can be derived from fossil evidence is absolutely ridiculous. Steven Jay Gould,
the guru of evolutionary theory, states in front of symposia and writes in journals that the
Theory of Evolution as we know it (at the time, gradualistic development) is dead, but then publicly defends the concept...that's
unnacceptable behavior from those who are in positions of authority and respect in the intellectual world...
Scientists (as well as other experts; physicians, historians, psychologists, etc.) have a duty (whether
they recognize it or not) to conduct responsible and objective research, and to not allow professional
insecurities compromise the integrity of their work...
Okay, rant's over...If you want to discuss this feel free to drop me an email.
With that all taken care of, we'll move on to the second question. This question was sent to me by one
of our resident "quote warriors", RPGMaster. It's on a much lighter topic than the first question, Ancient
Near Eastern Law Codes...he asked
"According to Hammurabi's Code of Laws, if a son strikes his father, what will happen to the
son?"
For those of you who don't know, Hammurabi was the sixth king of the Amorite dynasty of Old Babylon
(As opposed to New Babylon, which is that strip club over on W. 41st street). Hammurabi created a law
code during his reign in the early 18th Century BC (none of that politically correct BCE crap). This law
code is exceedingly important, and copies have been discovered from much later periods, probably indicating
that it was still in use long after Hammurabi, his dynasty, and perhaps his kingdom has passed into dust.
Now it may seem like I know a bit about the code (but not a ton, Ancient Near East isn't really my bag...baby)
and this is the research question because I didn'y have the foggiest recollection as to what the specific
punishment was (about the only thing I remembered about the code is that it involved "severing" a
whole lot, and that they mentioned prostitutes a couple of times). The specific answer is:
195. If a son strike his father, his hands shall be hewn off.
That'll teach you to respect your pappy, now won't it?...There are a number of other kicking rules in the
code, a number of them are exceedingly entertaining. The code covers a wide variety of topics from
marriage, to physical assault, to business practices. In order to inspire some admiration for (or at least
relief regarding) the current law of your country, I'll list a couple of them (all of these are from the King
translation...in case you were wondering).
2. If any one bring an accusation against a man, and the accused go to the river and leap into the
river, if he sink in the river his accuser shall take possession of his house. But if the river prove that the accused is
not guilty, and he escape unhurt, then he who had brought the accusation shall be put to death, while he who leaped
into the river shall take possession of the house that had belonged to his accuser.
22. If any one is committing a robbery and is caught, then he shall be put to death.
110. If a "sister of a god" open a tavern, or enter a tavern to drink, then shall this woman be burned to death.
128. If a man take a woman to wife, but have no intercourse with her, this woman is no wife to him.
215. If a physician make a large incision with an operating knife and cure it, or if he open a tumor (over the eye)
with an operating knife, and saves the eye, he shall receive ten shekels in money.
216. If the patient be a freed man, he receives five shekels.
217. If he be the slave of some one, his owner shall give the physician two shekels.
218. If a physician make a large incision with the operating knife, and kill him, or open a tumor with the operating
knife, and cut out the eye, his hands shall be cut off.
219. If a physician make a large incision in the slave of a freed man, and kill him, he shall replace the
slave with another slave.
220. If he had opened a tumor with the operating knife, and put out his eye, he shall pay half his value.
282. If a slave say to his master: "You are not my master," if they convict him his master shall cut off his ear
Actually, some of those aren't so bad, at least not for the law abiding...Well, RPGMaster asked the
question that I had to research, so I do salute you my good man...
We do have another smart/dumb ass question for your amusement (or maybe just mine) this week.
I'll continue to do these as long as people send them in, though I have received a couple that seem
intended to be put in this section, those you won't see...This week's *cough* smart/dumb ass question
comes from Harri "Earthling" Sarsa, who asked
"Why do men have nipples?"
Now, I'm sure several people have wondered about this particular facet of masculine anatomy, and I have
a few theories (which I will now state as facts). First, they're for visual balance. The pectoral muscles
can be a vast wasteland of negative space (to use an artistic term) and the nipples are there to provide
a visual focal point. Second, they're for comedic value. I mean, what would Conan O'Brien or Matthew
Perry do without being able to use the term "man-nipples"? Third, they're for recreational value. I'll just
leave it at that...So those are my theories explaining, with out any doubt or uncertainty (or evidence)
why men have nipples...
Okay then, on to this weeks quote contest. I changed the playing field around a bit this week, and
I did receive more responses that I normally do. Unfortunately, very few of those respondents put
forth much effort, so it didn't work completely as planned. As I said, this was a well known statement,
and almost everyone that wrote in identified U.S. President John Fitzgerald Kennedy as the first person
to deliever the quote...
And this week's quote winner is...*drum roll*...NO ONE!!! *evil laughter*...Suckers... *does a little dance*...
If you read correctly (and obviously no one did) I asked for the FIRST person to have
said the quotation...Kennedy was not the first...heck, he wasn't even the second...Kennedy stole the line
from another crappy president, Warren G. Harding...
Who had himself stolen it from Colonel (and later Supreme Court Justice) Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr....
So, once again may I state..."IN YOUR FACE!!!"...As for StagCraft and RPGMaster:
Sorry guys, look at the bright side, at least we didn't hew any body parts off (good thing we amended
that section last week)...not that it matters all that much...it turns out that Ghand was accidentally
delivered to Brussels, and was stranded there...evidently, he found a fellow who was "6' 4" and full of
muscles"...every time Ghand asked "Do you speaka my language"...it seems the fellow "Just smiled,
and handed him a Vegemite Sandwich"...*pause*...
Once again I was let down last week when I sought out the almighty Gwog to name the quote contest.
Not only did I not get the contest named, I upset Gwog to the point he threatened to return to PDX
(which Despot was not happy about). I have reached a point of extreme desperation, and I have
come to the conclusion that mere humans are not capable of completing this task (at least not the mere
humans we've got lying around here). Faced with this possibility I decided to treat it as fact, and seek
out help from the only magical being I could get on 15 minutes notice, the PlanetDeusEx Gnome, Señor
Sniffle-britches.
I'm guessing that very few of you know that each "planet site" on the GameSpy network is issued a gnome
to take care of certain tasks (like capturing the giant rats that infest the GameSpy code...). The gnomes
are quite powerful, but unstable, so we don't let them out all that often. Needing his help, I was left
with no other choice than to release Señor Sniffle-britches, and ask him to name the quote contest...here
it is:
**INSERT CONTEST NAME HERE**
Ummm, okay...is he still working on it?...who? what do you mean who? Señor Sniffle-britches, that's who!!!...
He's gone!!! Where did he go?!? TO GET SOME ROTISSERIE CHICKEN?!? Why did you let him go?...Oh, he
was going to pick you up some?!? Son-of-a...
Okay, stay calm...you let the gnome escape...this is not good...Despot is going to beat you...with a big
stick...he'll probably use my stick...my stick is huge...that's gonna hurt...okay, think...*pause*...well
that's that...
I have decided that I'm going to go hide under the pool table, that seems to be the best option...
Despot never plays pool, he won't think to look for me under there...So, I'll go now, here's this week's
quote:
"It is easier to be gigantic than to be beautiful."
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