Years ago Dante wrote about the circles of Hell and laid out the realms of Hades into a series of
levels or circles...since then, many have looked to his work to form their concepts of the afterlife...
*pause*...What are those people thinking! It's a bloody work of fiction people! Sheesh!...But, if
you really want to know about the ninth circle of Hell, you should have seen
the clean-up from the THE KING KASHUE, EXCEEDINGLY BELATED, MERRY NEW YEAR OF THE RINGS,
MULTIMEDIA EXTRAVAGANZA!!! after-party...not a pretty sight...(Ghand went nuts...croutons
everywhere...I'm still cleaning them out of the couch cushions)...Other than that, I don't really
have any Mysteriously Powerful stuff to tell you...so, um...How have you been? You avoiding the
cold that was going around?...I'll tell ya, I haven't been sick in years (the Mysteriously Powerful rarely
get sick...It's one of the perks), but it's been a phlegm festival around here lately...*pause*...moving
on...
Well, we're finally cleaned up around here after the THE KING KASHUE, EXCEEDINGLY BELATED,
MERRY NEW YEAR OF THE blah, blah, blah... and we're ready to push on along the Path to Illumination.
We've got a very nice week here, and a brand new feature for you!!! (Don't go skipping down to the end
you'll ruin the surprise!) No one has yet ventured a guess at the "Lord of the Rings Contest" from
last week, so I'm just going to keep
the contest open until someone does (and remind you each week that everyone's too chicken to make
a guess). The flow of questions has slowed a bit lately, so get your brain a-workin' and challenge me!
I know there are some bright people over in the forums
who could probably give me a run for my money (but not a run for my cheese, because you don't run
with cheese...it's rather binding...*pause*...oh yeah, we've got some high-class humor going on here...
it's about one insane rambling away from becoming a Got Ghand installment)...Uh...what was I talking
about?...oh right, questions...if you've got any new questions send
them to me.
The first question this week *cough* comes from Cymon (aka Zer0Assassin) who asks:
Did King Arthur's father Uther originally own Excalibur?
Before I answer the question, let me state something about legendary traditions (the sort to which
the Arthurian Cycle, as it is often called, belongs)...traditional narratives tend to exist in numerous
versions, and there really is no "official version"...Like many traditional legends, there are several versions of the Arthurian Legends,
and each of the major regional traditions (English, French, German, Celtic) has its own unique character
and content (okay, Celtic isn't a region...sue me). The two major works of the English Tradition, those
of Jeffrey of Monmouth and Sir Thomas Mallory, and the French works known as the Vulgate Cycle have
coalesced during the modern period into a Western European concept of "The Legend of King Arthur"...
Everything that I am going to say is from this modern popular tradition, and you can be certain that five
different variations exist for each event I describe...The body of writings on Arthur spans almost 1500
years and includes several extremely interesting works...There has also been a tremendous amount of
scholarship done on the subject (including an insignificantly small amount by yours truly) and one could
spend their whole life studying and discussing the subject. If anyone is interested in some of the other
works on Arthur, or wants a recommendation on where to begin, feel free to drop me a line.
Excalibur, also named Caliburn or Caliburnus in some versions, is the famous sword of the legendary king.
In the modern tradition you actually find two different versions of how Arthur comes to possess the
sword, and they seem to occur almost equally. The first is the version that most traditional accounts
chronicle (assuming they include the sword at all). In this version, the Lady of the Lake, who is some
sort of supernatural entity, gives the sword to Arthur, recognizing him as the King of Britain and, in some
accounts, as the "Once and Future King". The other version of this story is for those who don't like the
first, because, let's face it, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of
government (come on, you didn't really think we'd get through this without a Monty Python reference,
did you?) In this version, Excalibur is the famed "Sword in the Stone", removed by Arthur while a mere
boy serving as the squire to his brother (or at least the man raised as his brother) Sir Kay. In this case,
the sword still represents the right to the throne. In instances where the sword in the stone and the
Lady of the Lake coexist, it is almost universally the Lady who gives Arthur Excalibur, and the sword
removed from the stone is a sword called Galatine. In Mallory's Le Morte d' Arthur, he has both
swords, but actually confuses the two at one point, referring to Excalibur as the Sword in the Stone,
while stating that it is Galatine in all other places in the work...As you can see, with any myth, several
versions exist, and it is difficult to say "what happened", because you can always find something to
contradict whatever version you read...But, to answer Cymon's question, in no version I can remember
did Arthur's father Uther ever possess Excalibur...but chances are that someone, at some time, wrote a
version where he did...heck, if anyone's feeling ambitious, ya'll could write an Arthurian narrative where
that's the case, years from now, someone might be discussing your contribution to the Arthurian legend
just like I'm discussing Mallory and Monmouth now...you never know... ;)
Our second question comes from Jackie609. She asked me:
What is the kingdom, philum, class, order, family, genous, and species name of the
Tropical Parula?
Now, I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about at first, and I originally thought that it was a
flower of some sort (I was actually hoping for some freaky carnivorous plant...no luck though). Turns out that the Tropical Parula is a bird. Birdwatchers classify the Parula as a
member of the warbler family, so name because their call well, warbles (pretty straight forward those
birdwatchers)...The answer to Jackie's question is as follows:
Kingdom : Animalia
Phylum : Chordata
Subphylum : Vertebrata
Class : Aves
Order : Passeriformes
Family : Fringillidae
Genus : Parula
Because I'm such a nice guy, I threw in the subphylum, free of charge...Evidently the Tropical Parula is
a small, insect-eating bird, native to the area stretching from southern Texas all the way to South America.
The Parula prefers woodland areas, specifically those with hanging mosses (such as Spanish moss) for
nesting. That's about all there is to the Tropical Parula (it is only a bird, I don't know what you were
expecting...a freaky carnivorous plant perhaps...) I've got a couple of pictures (from my last
birdwatching trip...I guess...)
The first is of the Parula itself...
The next is a map of the habitat of the pretty little birdy, evidently taken on my last trip into low earth
orbit...which, shockingly, I have no recollection of...
And the last is of a stamp that I found on my last trip to Paraguay...which again, I don't remember...
though I'm pretty sure that's where I lost my pants...
Congratulations Jackie for asking the question I had to research, for your effort, I salute you!
For this week's smart/dumbass question I'm giving you the first one of these questions that was asked,
because I figured the easiest way to get through all of these is to take them chronologically. This
particular question comes from Inferno, who asked me:
At the Vicksburg Memorial Center (or whatever they call it), the civil war battleground at
vicksburg (DUUUUUUH!), Mr. history major, which state is reprasented by a large building with a dome
shaped roof and a hole at the top?
I originally had planned to post this question in one of my first episodes as an example of someone who
just didn't get it...In the very first
installment I explained that questions like "how many fingers am I holding up" just wouldn't work for
the challenge...this question is pretty much the same, because the only way I could answer it is if I
have visited the Vicksburg Memorial, which I haven't (Though I really wish I had...it's pretty near New
Orleans, and it's Marti Gras right now...I could really go for some Jambalaya or an Oyster Po'Boy sandwich).
Now, I could tell you about the siege of Vicksburg, or the battle's significance in the American Civil War,
or the pivital role it played in the career of General Ulysses Simpson Grant...but no, Inferno asked about
the monument...so, without any knowledge of the site I'm going to make two guesses...The first is
Virginia, because the monument sounds like the Pantheon in Rome, and Virginia has a bit of a classical
heritage due to the influence of Thomas Jefferson...the second guess relates more to Inferno than the
question itself...ahem...the state that is represented at the Vicksburg memorial is the state of confusion...
a state which I am sure Inferno is familiar with...moving on...
This week *cough* we have a brand new feature for all ya'll...I am proud to introduce
THE KING KASHUE "LISTEN UP YOU PRIMATIVE SCREWHEADS AND GET YOURSELF SOME FREAKIN'
CULTURE" CORNER
The purpose of this new section is to open you guys up to some of the finer elements of life because,
let's face it, some of you consider "There once was a man from Nantucket..." to be an wonderful work
of poetry, or, worse yet, think that Stephen King is a good author (the grammar! For the love of all that
is good, THE GRAMMAR!!!)...What you'll see in this section is mostly stuff from dead guys (or gals),
because they tend to be far less active in asserting their copyrights...I'm going to throw up (no, I'm
not going to go for the puke joke, we're going to try for at least "medium-brow" humor here) selections of
poetry, literature, maybe a couple of musical compositions in an attempt to open your mind up to
something other than "Cowboy Be-bop" (you know who you are)...
The first selection comes not from a dead guy (or gal), but from a currently living poet, who may not have
a wide audience, but is well known enough to a few...(if you are really interested in knowing who the
poet is, shoot me an email.) So, with out further
ado (I'm still trying to figure out what "ado" is...it certainly doesn't sound sanitary), prepare to get
yourself some freakin' culture...
have girls and flaxen ladies,
spent the passing days,
twirling in the porch-winds,
in crimson-dressed ballets?
or have they gone in past the vineyard,
when star-fire began to unfurl,
and watched the comets play overhead,
in placid dapples and curls;
and have they sung in winter fields,
beneath the palling sky,
and gone into the forest, then,
to watch the faeries fly?
or have they merely nodded slow,
while knitting quick with string and twine,
and gazed across the lacy snow,
with calm and comfortable minds?
Pretty, neh?...Last week I awarded some mad props™ to OiNutter for asking The Question I Cannot
Answer™. Now, as I stated, he only sort of asked it, but when I weighed everything, I decided he
deserved it...Now, I received a couple of emails regarding the situation, most of them stating for one
reason or another that Herr OiNutter didn't deserve the ever-tasty mad props™...I have only one thing
to say to those people...Why don't 'cha cry about it ya' wee little girls! Ooh, I hope you don't get any
tears on your pretty little dresses...If you've got the mustard to challenge me, then Challenge me!.
If not, then I don't want to hear any whining...little sissies...(just a note, I'm totally joking...please don't
stop reading my articles...please...)
It was brought to my attention that last week's quote contest winner, Phasmatis, did not get sent his
Naked Ghand™ last week, and was wondering when he was going to get it...It actually worked out
quite well, because this week's quote contest winner was none other than the PlanetDeusEx site
administrator (and all around Grand Poo-Bah) Despot, who correctly identified the quote as being
uttered by one of the classic wits of all history, Dorothy Parker
Ms. Parker was a critic and author during the early 20th century, and is known for such biting criticisms
and exercises of rapier wit as "This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly...it should be thrown with
considerable force" and "You know, that woman speaks 18 languages, and she can't say "no" in any of them."
As I said, it is quite fortunate that Despot won this week's contest, because he has stated, in no
uncertain terms that he doesn't want the Naked Ghand™ and that we are free to send it to Phasmatis...
(his exact words were "no, I don't want the dirtbag, send him to the Limey...but I'm sure he meant that
in the nicest possible manner...I should also note that the statement might in fact be a figment of my
imagination and involves Despot in no way shape or form...Despot himself may in fact be a figment of my
imagination, like Brad Pitt in Fight Club..."Do you know...Tyler Despot?...")
For those conspiracy theorists out there (and who isn't after playing Deus Ex) who might see something
sinister in the quote contest going to the site coordinator, I will ask you to look at the following picture
and repeat after me...
"There is no conspiracy...Despot is your friend...there is no conspiracy...everything is right with the world...
there is no conspiracy...CarrotTop is the best actor in history...there is no conspiracy..."
Now, you don't you feel better about everything?...All is right with the world?...Want to "Dial down the
center with 1-800-Call-ATT?...(see, I told you the Dancing Alphas were hypnotic...)
On to the bane of my existence, the naming of the quote contest...I've nearly got an ulcer from the
stress I've had over this...you'd think that coming up with a simple contest name would be easy, but
my co-workers seem uniquely incapable of performing this simple task (even if they can perform vastly
more complex tasks...Jonas, for instance, can count cards out of a six deck shooter...kinda like Rainman...
come to think of it, he also buys his underwear at Kmart...weird)...With this in mind I decided to cordon
off the contest name area while the plans for the new name are sent to a committee for review...
**INSERT CONTEST NAME HERE**
Oh yeah...that's a familiar sight...anyhoo...here's this week's quote:
I wanted to thank everyone who chose to respond to the "theological" section of last week's *cough*
installment...All of the responses were quite "civilized", and I didn't receive anything even close to a
flame...I knew that the PlanetDeusEx community was made up of intelligent, reasonable people, and that
view was confirmed, and then some...By the way, the offer to discuss what I said in the last article still stands,
and you can feel free to bring up any topic you want.
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