Got Ghand: The Third Revelation
by -Ghandaiah-
Ah! Fresh air! *inhales breath of polluted, disease-infected PDX bathroom atmosphere*
Man, that stuff stings goin' in!
Anyway, greetings again, fine fans. I apologize for such a great delay between Got Ghand number two and Got Ghand number three. It's just that... well, I've... I've encountered some... er...
Fine! I'd been re-assigned to MJ12 bathroom cleaning due to "very disorderly conduct" around the base.
What can I say? It gets lonely down here.
Anyway, now I'm back to the conditions of PDX's fine bathroom stalls. I've been taken off bathroom scrubbing duty, and, ah! So glad to smell that the PDX staff doesn't consume nearly as many beans as MJ12 does!
Except for that one weird guy, who keeps eating flares...
BUT! No matter. I'm glad to be back from toilet hell, so to speak.
So what's been going on in the outside world? I heard television comes in color now! Swell, I'll need to fetch one of those.
Just yankin' your josh... er, joshin' your chain, I mean. Damn, that's no good either... AH! Yankin' your chain! Just joshin' ya! Whoo, last time I get those two mixed up.
As a matter of fact, its been so long since I've been to the surface, I'm starting to wonder...
At least I have you fine people to keep me updated. Oh! Speaking of which, I was surprised to find, when I opened my inbox today, and after my many, many pleas to get feedback from you all, that I actually have...
Pockets!
Pockets... I just can’t get over it. I have... pockets... big ones, little ones. Brings tears to my eyes. So much storage space I never knew about... it's like having a son, and you realize that he's your son after years of not knowing he's really your son, because you don’t remember much about the 60's, except maybe that time when you put your college pal's hand in hot water while he was sleeping, and then the bathroom floor a few times, and maybe the beer, but you have a son! A son! But then your son brings you on Springer... because your mother has a third arm! Ack! It all makes sense now!
My, I must stop writing these columns at four in the morning.
Anyway, on to some reader's mail. Yes, I actually got feedback this time. It's like having a son...
Ummmm... Your article does not cause internal hemorrhaging in lab animals... Great job!
--?ruceKid, Unit 005
Oh! Oh! I hope not! I certainly hope not! Those monkeys! They go through enough already! Those white-coated, evil, evil men, hiding pills in their banana mash. Ha! Trying to trick the lab monkeys, eh? Well, I won't eat your damn banana mash! Not after what happened to #3 last Tuesday!
the first one were pretty funny but the second one are a bit stale for my taste.
but hey what the heck love it,keep it up
(Note from Ghand: this letter was not signed, only marked with an address.)
Funny?! Stale?! This is a tragedy! How'd you like to be snatched away into the depths of the Atlantic, never to see your loved ones again, like... like, uh... well, I can’t think of any of my loved ones right now, but getting to my point, I've previously eaten 63 slices of american cheese. And let me tell you, mister, 63 slices of american cheese - is - not - easy - on its way in and out!
Damn, what the hell were we talking about?
Oh. Fine. You want funny, mister, then go over there, not here... and then come back from there, because here really is the place for funny, and there isn't. Got it?
What have I been smoking?
Hello i am writing about your Got Ghand installment to planet dues ex. It seems as though you are not getting any letters so i decided to send you one. Im not the most inventive sort of person in the world so bear with me.
I think that once the guard gets back to your cell you should slaughter him and steal his clothes and his ID card. it wont matter what you look like as long as you wear his mask because all of the MJ12 guys never take those stupid things off anyways, then you can sneak out of the bulding and hope they dont set the bots to shoot at anything that moves.
Until later
BlackCapedManX
Slaughter the guard? With what? A spork? Or a foon? I like sporks better, foons have a little too much oon for me, not enough ork.
And even if I were to kill the said guard and steal his clothes, the escape would never work. I only wish it were that easy.
See, I would be easily distinguishable from the rest of the MJ12 fleet. I'm just so massively muscular and powerful, compared to those puny MJ12 guards, I would easily stand out.
It might look something like this:
I appreciate your concern, but we'll have to roll the idea around a little more. Remember to compensate for my exceptional manliness in your plans!
Then maybe those guards will stop slipping LSD into your prison meals. Maybe if you had a furry puppy, he could slip into the air vents and help you escape. :)
-The Baron
LSD and puppies... LSD... and puppies... of course! It's all so obvious now!
Since I have pockets, I can store some of the prison food in them (it's like having a son...), carry them to the "MJ12 Puppy Division", feed it to the puppies, the puppies will all go crazy and urinate on the floors and everything, so the janitors will have to show up. They'll mop the floors, I sneak into one of their carts, get wheeled back to the janitor closet, where they have the keys, steal the keys, and escape!
First step is to convince MJ12 to get a puppy division, and then it all falls into place...
next time they feed you keep the spoon and carve your way out through the wall like andy did in shawshank redemption. then go to hong kong and have relations with the hookers.
-Ian McAfee
First of all, they don't have spoons around here, only sporks and foons.
Second, "Hong Kong Hookers" sounds like a smut film. You should be ashamed! This is a family column! That's why we have all this batter about feeding LSD to puppies! You should know better by now.
Third, Shawshank Redemption was a good movie... but I hope I wouldn't have to crawl through MJ12's sewer pipes.
They eat so many beans...
Wow, this reminds me of something completely irrelevant to what we're talking about. I must remember to tell you that there's news I'll be getting a new roomate.
And it's... it's... female!
I've heard of them, but I've never seen one before! I just know that when one of them enters the #planethalflife IRC channel everyone stops talking about what Star Trek episode they saw last night and switches over to how cool everyone says they are back at elementary school in the small town of Shut-the-hell-up-you-bleeping-morons-stop-trying-to-be-mister-smarty-pockets.
So! They’re bringing in a special instructor to teach me manners. Ha! As if I'm not already a charmer for the ladies.
*sneezes all over sleeve, studies it closely, then wipes the mucus across his pants*
How hard can it be? My new instructor scares the living hell out of me, anyway.
Well, I'm off. Writing my column at four in the morning has been an interesting experience, and I shall return with further news of my new roomy (Oh, did I forget to mention? Mr. Greene, my old roommate, experienced a completely accidental death involving my right fist and his unsightly face. I feel so silly after such a mishap!).
Yes, one last thing. Don't forget to mail me with all your questions, comments, secret agendas... well, anything you can think of, really! Contact me here. Thanks much.
Until next time (and maybe I won’t be on LSD),
-Ghandaiah
Pockets...
It's like having a son...
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