I don't like what's been going on around here as of late. Not one bit.
Recently MJ12 has been conducting... experiments on me. Analyzing genetic engineering techniques. DNA, cell, bacteria manipulation. Everything. I've spent most of this past week on the operating table, or unconscious. It's all made me feel rather sick to my stomach.
Last night they did the worst to me. I don't know what, but since last night I keep hearing Kenny G music playing in my head. Get it out! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET IT OUT!
I also don't know what they've been feeding me. Picture oatmeal, and now take that oatmeal, and, uh... make it not look like oatmeal anymore. Instead, make it look like CHEESE! They've been feeding me cheese oatmeal. BAH! Cheese is in a league of its own! Combining it with oatmeal is unnatural!
Then, so is this:
But there's a difference! Having twelve fingers is OK. But mixing cheese with oatmeal? That's just wrong!
Hmm, maybe it's not cheese and oatmeal. I can't tell, it also tastes like chicken.
But what doesn't?
Oh well. This whole experimentation thing is doing more than giving me bad gas, I assure you. Sometimes I wonder what they're doing to me. Other times I don't care, because I slip into these stages of deep euphoria. Then there was this one time I started laughing hysterically for no reason. Wait, I do that all the time. And then there was the time I started ranting and raving. After all, it's unusual for me to rant and rave. I never do, no! Ranting is pointless! Who listens to rants? I sure don't. Which is why I never rant! It's ludicrous! Ludicrous, I tell you! So don't rant! Like me! The person who never rants!
I like to use exclamation points! How about you!
From now on, I'm going to use exclamation points! Keen!
And now we will move to the mailbag, before I emberass myself! Whup, too late! That's not how you spell embarrass! I spelled it "ember-ass"! Ember ass! There are hot embers on my ass! IT BURNS!
I seem to have lost my train of thought! Again!
Oh, the mailbag!
Uh. Heya there Ghand. Doesn't it ever get hot in that balaclava of yours? I guess not since your spending your time in an underwater prison. An underwater prison WITHOUT an air hockey table!! Does YOUR prison have an air hockey table??!?!........... neither does mine : (
Well, keep up the good work. And always remember......ah crap....I forgot that qoute....
well, always remember that I forgot, hows that? good?! great!
Sabotage
Not Sabot Rounds. I prefere 20mm HEs anyway.
AIR HOCKEY! You're a life saver! That's all I need. An air hockey table! Ha! Then life in the ol' water prison won't seem so bad.
Right. Next letter:
Have you tried using your spork as a radio transmitter? It's REALLY easy...
1. Get a spork.
2. Get some glue.
3. Attract an army of furry rodents.
4. Glue the rodents to the spork.
5. Feed the rodents LSD.
6. Poke one rodent with your finger.
7. Glue Rodent-Spork to your head.
8. Run around the cell in a counter-clockwise parabolic arc while flapping your arms and screaming "FREE AMERICA!!!!!".
9. When the guards come to see what is wrong with you, command the army of furry rodents to attack them. (Note: The rodents WILL NOT attack)
10. When the guards begin to collapse into laughter, feed them LSD.
11. Run.
12. Really fast.
13. Smile for the cameras.
14. Find a computer console.
15. Push random buttons on it until it starts to act like a radio.
16. SCREAM.
Wasn't that easy?
-The Italic Squirrel
I like the completely unnecessary steps, like number 6... and number 9. And numbers 1 through 16.
Isn't America already free?
I think I need to create my own country. I'll just go buy some small country called Parauraguaya or Yoshimbobodimbalaba or something and re-name it to "IT SI THE GHANDAIAH LAND!!!1 RAR#@!!!11" and then people will come and there will be a big party.
so the other day i was eating cheese... not swiss, swiss is evil.... i think it was american. i was thinking, do dogs like cheese? who knows? so i gave some to my beagle and he liked it, but then when he crapped on the floor later (i dont have the patience to train him, too much cheese to eat) it was all gooey. i couldnt get it out of the carpet so i put some newspaper over it... no one will notice....
anyways then the next day an FBI guy knocked on my door and told me not to feed cheese to my dog anymore, so im like "hey man how do you know i was feeding my dog cheese?" and he said "well I saw it in the cheese cam." I said wait a minute I heard about that but you only put them in swiss thats why I eat 63 slices of american a day, Its yummy!" And he said "well I was reading the ghand column and i realized that we need the cams in more cheese", so im like "the f*** does this have to do with my dog eatin cheese?" and he says "we'll have to take your dog away" so i tried to bribe him with LSD cause you know they must be all high to think that their job is good. And he said that bribing is illegal, so i stabbed him with my spork, and hes like "no, those foons are top secret!" and im like "its not a foon its a spork, with more ork!" so he died...
Nazi bastard.
I knew more would come and investigate so I fed the LSD to the dog and he got even more screwed up than me... maybe I had mixed weed with it because he got the munchies and ate the body. Then he crapped... a lot. And then I had to get more newspaper. The more FBI guys came but they all had MJ12 s**t that was on there heads, so I'm like whoa! why you guys here and they're like we read the got ghand! column and now we must kill you. so I ran across the room and the guys followed me, but they didn't notice the newspaper. So they slipped in the crap and fell and got knocked unconscious. they suck...
SO then the next day more MJ12 guys came, and they saw the bodies and wondered how I KOed them. SO I told them and they're like "hes a military genius" and the told me if I worked for them they wouldn't kill me. so now im working in that lab in the ocean and sometime I'll drop in for a visit, just though you'd like to know....
so anyway, all im trying to say here is, if you say deus ex differently, it sounds like DO SEX! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!
And if you say bagels diferent it sounds like you were just on united express airways
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH!
see get it? bagels....bagles...bag less........
oh, and one more thing about bagels: if seagulls fly to the sea, they are called seagulls. If they fly to the bay, they are called cheese !
o wait no, i ment BAGELS!! No you idiot CHEESE!
signed
Two dorks with one computer and too much time on their hands
I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or just feel violated. Two dorks, indeed!
Top secret foons? Good lord! I must obtain some of these said topic secret foons! What makes them top secret? Do they have a sleek new design?! Is there an automatic heat radiation system so that when you're eating cheese it gets all melty and yummy?! ARGH! KENNY G MUSIC! GET AWAY FROM ME!
*passes out*
Oh, and Deus Ex is pronounced, "Day-us Ex", not DOOS EX! Even though that's pretty dag-nab gosh-darn funny! AHAHAHAHHA! HA! HAHAH! Wooo...
This is my escape plan, you take the spork and when a Gaurd comes you take the spork and put it in the Gaurd, grab his gun blast the cage down, and get in One of ther SOB, wait i mean sub marines.
Warlord
Uh... I... Well, you see, I, uh... Your message is... Yes, let me try that escape plan. Just hold on a second, while I... uh...
*quick patter of feet*
*car door slams*
*tires squeal*
*silence*
Look I would gladly swap places with me but that would mean i wouldn't be able to compete in the next swimming gala. Sorry. After the swimming gala i will hopefully come visit you and maybe become roommates by murdering a guard.
In the meantime here is another useless escape plan.
---------------- Useless escape plan #6943978489549875784587a ----------
The cheese you keep in your pockets can be used to attract the furry rodents. After that, knock out a guard and you can smear all the cheese on him. The rodents will gnaw at him. Hide quickly. when he wakes up he will scream loudly and that will attract all the other guards. While the guards are stamping on their poor friend in a vain attempt to destroy the rodents. You can then smear cheese on all the other guards and while they are writhing in agony u can steal the nanokey off them and run away. You can then visit me and give me loads of NSF goodies for me getting you out and you can make me an honorary NSF member.
---------------- End of Escape plan ------------------------------------
If that works u can sing my praises everywhere.
Bye,
Luminous Path
Funny how all these escape plans have something to do with rats, sporks, and/or cheese. I'm not rubbing off on you people, am I? That would be... uh... probably not a good thing.
Wait a minute... a world full of Ghandaiahs. *GASP!* I COULD BE SUPREME EMPORER!
Aha! Look! Another encoded message from my friends at the NSF. Perhaps I shall have better luck deciphering this one than what happened last time...
...
...
roflmaosfh
lol
Lmao
...
lol
SeX mE?
-]dM[`Nightmare
... ... Raunchy Oatmeal Flavored Like Marinara and Other Sauces Flatten Hats. Lots of Little Lichens May Alarm Opponents ... Like Old Lint. See Xavior's Medical Exam?
It makes perfect sense! All I have to do is take my cheese-oatmeal, mix it with marinara and other sauces, and pour it on all of MJ12's hats! The hats will obviously be flattened and ruined, and mold (the lichens) will begin to grow on them due to the old oatmeal mixture. Eventually the lichens will dig into all of the soldier's heads and eat away at their brains, so I have to be careful not to alarm MJ12 by letting them see the lichens. They must be carefully hidden. Like old lint, carefully hidden in the depths of your pockets. HA! OLD LINT, BEWARE! YOU SHALL BE EXTERMINATED, LINTY SCUM!
Oh, and no, I didn't see Xavior's medical exam. Why do you ask?
While you seem to be stuck breeding dogs and biting people with foon tines, I am stuck in Bill Gates' House. Sure I have a fireplace and a matress and a huge metal box which makes moaning sounds during the night (not the same moaning sounds as heard from the room above though). Tonight, after I finished imperfecting Windows 4638, I added the "delete all, forever" option. Anyway Muigel is the guy whom J.C. Meets in the MJ12 ceter under unatco in New York. I think someone wants to get rid of furry rodents due to the pecariously balanced TNT crate over my door. Bill aso loaned me some leaking barrels of flammable Liquid, he was nice enough to put them right next to the fire where i could see it! I also got a choice of a Sleeping Partner Check the pics! I picked my hand. Luckly, i have a computer to type things with. My statue watches me too. Well, I better go. I have to Mak sure you can't take windows opff your! computer.
J.T. Frost
Along with this message, this package of photographs was sent. Man, is this guy weird. I've taken the time to scribble small notes across all of his photographs, so be sure to check them out.
Last mailbag message this time around, folks. It's another long one:
Well, I am transmitting a message once more! And I might add that this is being done at great personal risk to my own health and possibly also my sanity. Well, I see that you have been having trouble getting a girl, despite having help from possibly the coolest person ever, Mr T. What's wrong with you boy? All you have to do is quote three random lines from shakespeare, and suddenly they all love you. Either that, or save them from some sort of peril (being a spy or rabbit helper I have saved many beautiful girls from many sorts of peril) and they just will not be able to resist hopping into the sack with you. Although, I would advise that if they were literally hopping, you kick them back out. On another completely random quirk of brain-type squashiness, how about training your hordes of bloodthirsty type rodents to chew throught the iron bars, and then attack the eyes of.. Oh wait. No eyes.. ummmm... And then attack the throats of! oh wait. They're robots aren't they? Oh well, just tell them that everything is a government conspiracy AFTER they chew through the bars and run away really fast. Since you can withstand the incredible crush depth power of the ocean, you'll be okay. See, the rats' brains will explode when they actually try to think rat-like about the government conspiracyness because they dont have a government, but the fact that they dont have a government is a government conspiracy, and thats wrong, but thats ok because its a government conspiracy, so their brains will explode. THe force of the exploding brains will blow open the cell, and let in all the ocean, then you can swim out. yah. Sure... Or maybe you could eat the cheese, and then your gas would be so bad they'd just throw you out... Or maybe you could just spell as bad as anonumes and the secret yet non-existant MJ12 monitorers' brains would explode. And since they're robots, that could be bad! ALmost as bad as sticking a fork into a wall socket with all that nitroglycerin lying around!
hehe Weee BOOM. Oh yah. Holy CRAP! how many pictures do you have in your pants! Its like a big photo album! Or maybe your longlostsons/pockets are really big, although in fact, much like your balaclava they are welded onto your body! ALso, I dont know how you'd get them out, since you have no fingers! noone does! ITS CRAZY.. but then its all just a government conspiracy anyway. heh.. yah.
That guy that just CANT think of a name.
Have no fingers?! What about that guy at the top of the column? He has twelve of them!
And, mister, I'm not trying to "get a girl." Certainly I could get a girl on my own! No, I'm just brushing up on my etiquette skills for my new lady-roommate!
SPEAKING OF WHICH...
It's time to reveal the new mystery roommate! Who could it be, you ask? Pamela Anderson? Monica Lewinsky? A bag with a face drawn on it?
The new mystery roommate is...
...
You'll never believe it...
...
A COW!
Cows make milk! ...Don't you understand?!
Cheese comes from milk!
SWEET GOD, I'VE DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN!
Oh, man... a cow... I just can't get over it... all the cheese I want... And, hell, Tom Green sure seems to like cows.
Anyway, more to come next week. More news on my new roommate. More mailbag action, too! Don't forget to send your questions, comments, and mail of similar ilk to this address!
Feedback makes the world go 'round. Or at least my head. Bah!
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