What's this? Only four messages for the mailbag in my inbox today? Hmm, perhaps things are getting a bit repetitive. We need a change... I know! I'll shift the link to my inbox from the end of the article to the beginning from now on! Whoa-ho!
Hmm, here's something that will up the ratings: There's a Got Ghand contest coming up, with cool rewards... keep an eye out for that. You just might want to join in!
So, uh... mail me! These babies need changin'!
:Begin Transmission:
...So then he says to me, "milking a chicken really isn't that easy." And I'm like, "well, yeah, you'd need some pretty thin suspenders." And then this guy just looks at me all weird, and I think something's stuck under my nose, right? So I'm rubbing at it and rubbing and he finally just says, "so the corn isn't good enough?" - Can you believe that?!
...
And now I am having a new thought!
Wednesdays! Wednesdays occur between Tuesdays and Thursdays. How 'bout that?
Speaking of Wednesdays, today is Wednesday. Ha ha! Maybe not for you, but in my little world, every day is Wednesday.
...Kind of repetitive, really.
MJ12 went out today! Yes, all of MJ12, out to the popular "House of Pain", to get up, and hey, maybe even get down! Who knows what the night could bring? Mushrooms? Probably! But will they ever even get into the club? Of course not! They're MJ12. Everyone knows that MJ12 just -can't- get on up / down. They have no skill! They can't dance! So, the clubs just don't let them in, I'm afraid.
Heh. If only they could take lessons from me! I, after all, am the master of funk... or is it groove? Hmm, you see? I've gone and grown my hair out! Pretty soon, I'll have a classic 80s rock cut... hahaha! Good night, everybody.
*unknown whispering voice from off screen*
Mail? What, you mean people actually read this stuff?
...I'm sorry, I thought the column was over.
...It started?
Oookay.
First, I would like some questions answered:
When did you start working for the National Science Foundation? Are you related to Gandhi, or his brother Gandhaiah? How do you pronounce "Ghandaiah" using regulated English?
Second, I do not have any good ideas on how you could escape such a ridiculous prison. It seems to me that many people have already offered you many good ideas, and yet you continuously find ways to fail in their plan execution. I am beginning to think that you don't really want to leave at all. Is Mr.T forcing you to stay? Are the puppies just too cute to swim away from? Get yourself together man! *telepathic slaps to your face commence* I sincerely hope that you find your way out of wherever you wish to leave, whether that be your underwater MJ12 prison, your hideously grotesque life, or a balacalava. Just don't go decomposing on someone's lawn, because that's really disgusting.
YESSS!!
Burn in your bag of NSF crap,
- The Smike of Klystron
PS: Zoltar wears combat boots.
Good to hear from you, Mr. Spike of Clystone! In order to answer your questions, I've assembled this easy-to-read FAQ:
Q: Who are you, and what makes you think you deserve to bring shame to a normally respectable Gamespy Network site?
A: I know l337 sp34k h34r m3 r04r!!!1
Q: How do you pronounce your name?
A: Mayonnaise.
Q: Is this column actually supposed to mean anything, or am I wasting my time by reading this?
A: Zoltar does not wear combat boots!
Q: What does NSF stand for?
A: It stands for what NSF Stands For.
Q: Why don't you ever actually use all these escape plans people so strenuously piece together for you?
A: Because one is the loneliest number there will ever be.
Speaking of escaping, earlier today I thought to myself, "Hey, Ghand, did you remember to put on you Preparation H?" - Uh, that's not the point... after that, I thought, "Hey, Ghand, why don't you escape, now that everyone's away?"
...Those MJ12 bastards installed the most advanced security system money can buy... and it gives me the heeby-jeebies...
Look at him... standing there, all smug with his evil grin...
NO! I WILL NOT SHARE MY CHEESE!
ANTS! THERE ARE ANTS ALL OVER MY BODY!
Who did give me FTP access, anyway?
This message has been coded, for ghands eyes only,
dyk...gimg...lgs....gre...quysl...gyreo...cxoiun...(did not finish message because she passes out from all the excitement)
PS. What do you meen you have never seen a female?
Kigheb
I think someone's been eating all the 'shrooms!
Yes, females are a confusing lot. Of course, I am not. I am simple. I am a simple, simple person, with a simple, subtle column.
I am subtle.
Very... subtle...
*rimshot sounds: Ba-dum CHHH!*
HEY! I'M TRYING TO BE SERIOUS HERE!
...Serious Sam?
Seriously, Sam!
Ouch. My brain is hurting my head.
dyk...gimg...lgs....gre...quysl...gyreo...cxoiun... is OBVIOUSLY Ancient Venezuelan for, "You forgot to wear your trousers."
I do not wear trousers! I wear pants! HUGE difference, pal.
And they have pockets. Pockets that will blow your head off.
To bobthedildoqueen
Do you like prawn? I like prawn
Fear the wrath of the moist towelettes.
I wrote a Haiku for you:
Cows make lotsa milk
milk makes cheese and cheese is
good so eat cheese lots
Cheese makes the world go round!
they put it in the world-turing power plants and it turns us around... and arrrrounnnnnnd.... until we get dizzy and fall off.
Yuck!
I like cows too. What do you do with cow poo?
Oh, what do you doooo,
what do you do
with the cow poo poo?
I grow mushrooms in mine.
Yummy mushrooms. mmmmmmm.....
Feed them to the guards. Then they'll believe you when you say you are president of the united states.
Until next time,
The [Jabba the] sunglass hut
You've wasted all the 'shrooms.
One.
One is the loneliest number there will ever be.
...So lonely without my MJ12 friends...
Mr. Box and I played a friendly game of cards!
That's when Mr. Box told me he didn't like cows.
...
...That's also when Bessy decided to reveal she liked to eat cardboard. I don't have anyone to play cards with any more...
Maybe I should just leave this place.
...But then who would write my column?
A-HA!
The number two is the loneliest number since number one.
*sighs*
Ghandaiah, let me interrupt here, and ask myself a question, as if it were my turn to speak. QUESTION: Why should you be in Deus Ex 2 as the main character, and not JC Denton? That is a good question, myself. Let me to you all about a friend of mine. Her name is Edda Munsen. She's 94 and living off a small vial of ambrosia in the ghettos of New York City. She was only born with one kidney. She also suffers from polio, spinal meningitis, lung, liver, and pancreatic cancer, an enlarged heart, diabetes, and a rare form of styptic acne. Now, several recent strokes, along with an unfortunate turret attack, have left her paralyzed missing her right leg below the knee. Just last week she woke from a coma to found out that, due to a poor run-down medical facility (thanks to some UNATCO punks) mix-up, her left arm had been amputated, infected with syphilis, and then reattached. As you can imagine, Ghandaiah, Edda is in tremendous pain. Now, if I were in Deus Ex 2, the streets would be safe, everyone would have free ambrosia, and everything would be restored to new. Now, if someone else happen to be in it, oh, someone like JC Denton (who didn't do a very good job in Deus Ex 1, in my opinion), Edda would probably be gunned down by a drunk Majestic 12 member. And that is wrong, that is just wrong.
The right person for DX 2,
MereMoth
Yeah?! You think you're so great, huh? Well let me tell you something, mister, if my buddy T was in Deus Ex 2, then Edda Munsen wouldn't even be in the ghettos. As a matter of fact, she wouldn't even be on this planet! She'd be in the...
*drumroll*
...FIFTH DIMENSION OF FIREY DOOM!
Why? Because she's being somebody, and not somebody's foo'!
You know, it's this kind of letter that really touches me, deep within my heart. It reminds me of the way I used to live... on the streets... in the rain... sleeping in a cardboard box... all alone... alllll alone...
One...
One is the loneliest number...
*sighs*
...
MR. BOOOOOOOOOOX!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Hahaha! Good night everybody!
...I don't think these are Shitaki mushrooms that I've been eating.
Could somebody come out here and check these 'shrooms?
...Oh well.
Say, whatever happened to that bake sale?
...
YOU'VE SPIKED ALL THE DONUTS!
:End Transmission:
Note: Special thanks to Solid, the guy responsible for several of the pictures in this episode of Got Ghand. Go, lab monkey, go!
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