Look! It's another very special Got Ghand!
Okay, I've said that before... and I know the other ones... well, they... they weren't really that special. I guess it depends on your definition of "special". "Special" like mayonnaise-special, or special like beef-and-noodles special.
Anyway, this one is special. Not only is it whacky! ...Whacky, like mustard... only beefy... Whacky, like... Gwog!
Hahaha! Look at that silly man!
Sometimes he tries to kill my head.
...
I don't like him when he does that.
What? The column? What column? My column? I have a column? No, I only have rows, not columns. Oh! You mean Got Ghand!
So, uh... this episode of Got Ghand also has... special things in it!
THIS IS WHAT WE HAVE IN STORE FOR YOU TONIGHT:
We have the launch of the official Got Ghand contest, and we have... AN INTERVIEW WITH JC DENTON!
What's that term? F00t? l00t? b00t?
Wasn't there a "w"... somewhere...
l337 h4(x0r?
Oh, my, I must remember my l337 sp34k...
But, anyway... First of all, it's time to announce the official...
GOT GHAND CREATIVITY CONTEST!
Yes, PDX actually had the sense (or lack thereof) to give me my own contest! Hahaha, how 'bout that? And there's actually cool stuff you can win, too!
BEAM UP THE PRIZES, JUNIOR! BBbbbeEEEeewWWwsssSSHhhhZZZttt!
(Note: due to lack of budget of any kind, Ghand will be making his own sound effects.)
GOT GHAND CREATIVITY CONTEST PRIZES:
1) A Deus Ex strategy guide signed by Ion Storm!
2) The opportunity to write Got Ghand 10 with me, Ghand!
I'm the host!
Me!
Ghandaiah!
...
Hahaha. How's it goin', man?
Delicious cheese.
SO! Now, you say, okay, Mr. Ghand, those are some cool, okee-dokey prizes...
AND CAN YOU FEEL THE MAGIC HERE TONIGHT? CAN YOU FEEL IT?
I can feel the magic.
...But how do we WIN these prizes, you say?
Well, you could... you could steal them...
But that wouldn't be very nice...
AND I WOULD HAVE TO KILL YOU.
WITH MY FEET.
THAT I HAVE.
MY FEET OF DOOM.
Which are attached to...
My legs...
On my body...
...
...
Yes! The contest. Here's the deal...
GOT GHAND CREATIVITY CONTEST RULES:
The contest is called a "creativity contest" for a reason, st00pid h3d. What you gotta do is make something. ANYTHING. Really, anything you want - from a movie, to an image, to a song, to a 400+ page novella of THE ADVENTURES OF GHAND'S FEET OF DOOM - as long as it's Got Ghand related. Then you take your undoubtedly impressive piece of artwork, wrap it up, put a pretty pink bow on it (PINK IS MANLY! MANLY, LIKE BEEF!), and submit it to THIS ADDRESS:
- ghandaiah@planetdeusex.com -
DO NOT send it to bubba@jones.com, gwog@gowg.com, or thisguyis@insane.com. It will go nowhere. Occasionally it will go somewhere. But not where you want it to go. And then it will be disorganized. And the place that it went to but you didn't want it to go to will have to organize it, and separate their incoming mail from the mail that you sent, which is disorganized, because they have to take your mail, from their mail, and... and put into a separate box... from the mail... from the mail that they... uh...
...
How are they judged, you wonder aloud?
GOT GHAND CONTEST SUBMISSION EVALUATION:
Submissions will be judged on CREATIVITY, HUMOR, and DIFFICULTY.
Example: While a single image may be docked for not being all too difficult (unless it's obvious it took ages to create), it could still win over, say, a 2 hour movie, if the 2 hour movie is dull as SiN (the game), and the image is funny as hell. So just do your best, st00pid h3d!
So, you continue to wonder aloud, how long do I have to work on my submission?
You have until Got Ghand 9 is posted, which will be on the following date:
OFFICIAL GOT GHAND CONTEST DEADLINE IS:
JULY 15th
So get crackin'!
Okay, now that we've covered the contest...
...
Wait, you're still here?
...
Damn...
Can't get rid of you space chimps...
Can we get a bowl of croutons out here?
NO! A BOWL, NOT A BOX! YOU'RE FIRED!
...
You do work for me, right?
Uhhhhmmmm... It's gunna be a long night.
...
Oh, you want that JC Denton interview I promised, right?
Well, good.
Because here it is.
Excuse me. I have to go gorge on croutons.
:Begin Transmission:
[Ghandaiah] Hey, hey! Look, everybody! I'm interviewing JC Denton! Hahaha! Wow, the man himself. The man himself!
[JC Denton] My vision is augmented.
[Ghand] And that it is! So, viewers, you're probably in awe over how I managed to brilliantly score an interview with JC. Simple! JC and I go waaay back, when we were... well, actually, that's not... that's not true...
[JC] I picked you up off the floor of the bar when you got plastered once. I think I drove you home that night. Because I had to. The bartender was complaining about the vomit.
[Ghand] Right! Good times, good times... So, JC... say hello to everyone out there for us!
[JC] Hello.
[Ghand] ...
[JC] What?
[Ghand] That's it? "Hello"? No, "howdy doody"? No, "whazup"?
[JC] Excuse me?
[Ghand] Oh. This is going to be one of "those" interviews.
[JC] Am I doing a good job?
[Ghand] Oh, yeah, you're... you're doing an excellent job.
[JC] Mmhmm.
[Ghand] So, JC... how many people have you mercilessly slaughtered?
[JC] Oh, that's hard to say... at least 300. An easy 300.
[Ghand] 300? That's it?
[JC] What the hell do you want from me?
[Ghand] I WANT YOU TO STOP EATING MY DAMN CROUTONS! I WANT YOU TO BRING ME AN ORANGE DRINK! NOT A LEMON DRINK! ORANGE! I'M ALLERGIC TO CITRUS! MR. BOX! NO!
[JC] *stares blankly*
[Ghand] Where am I?
[JC] My vision is augmented.
[Ghand] LIAR! You sport those sporty shades just to be accepted into modern society!
[JC] No, it's... it's augmented. Really.
[Ghand] Uh-huh, and the "run silent" mods?
[JC] Those are good, too.
[Ghand] For stealing sandwiches!
[JC] ...And for escaping from a potentially dangerous situation - Look, is this some kind of joke or something? I mean, this can't be a real interview. Why did I come here?
[Ghand] YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY, JC? IT'S BECAUSE YOU MISS ME! YOU LEFT ME TO DIE IN THIS MJ12 PRISON, AND THEN YOU MISSED ME! THEY ALWAYS COME CRAWLING BACK!
[JC] Actually, I came here because they said there was money involved.
[Ghand] Oh. Well that's good, too.
[JC] Is there?
[Ghand] No.
[JC] ...
[Ghand] Sing us a jazzy Deus techno tune with your mouth!
[JC] I have no intention of singing a jazzy Deus techno tune with my mouth.
[Ghand] DO IT!
[JC] No.
[Ghand] JC, how did you get to be so cool? How do I get people to like me as much as you? Do you sing jazzy Deus techno? Is it the shades? Is it the baggy coat that makes you look bigger than you really are? Is it the way that you mercilessly slay your German colleagues?
[JC] Probably all of those things. And I have some good lines, too.
[Ghand] Speaking of lines, I've been in various stages of undress throughout this interview.
[JC] This is a waste of time.
[Ghand] You're a waste of time.
[JC] How old are you?
[Ghand] Stoopid hed!
[JC] Actually, I'm rather intelligent. Try to guess which ending I -really- picked.
[Ghand] Uhm... the one where you merge with the thing?
[JC] Nope.
[Ghand] The one where you eat a lot of salmon?
[JC] That wasn't an ending.
[Ghand] Yes it was.
[JC] Don't mock me.
[Ghand] I'll mock you if I damn well want to mock you. You like cheese, JC?
[JC] Swiss?
[Ghand] NO! SWISS IS EVIL!
[JC] Cheddar?
[Ghand] *stomach growling sound* Oooh, the hunger...
[JC] I'm gunna go get some waffles.
[Ghand] Can I come?
[JC] No.
[Ghand] But-
[JC] No.
*pause*
[Ghand] Tell us what it was like to be played by so many people around the globe.
[JC] What?
[Ghand] You know. Your life is a game, you know. People play as you.
[JC] What?
[Ghand] If it were my way, I'd make the whole game so that you play as me. Ghandaiah! The host!
[JC] Nobody would buy that game.
[Ghand] And it would be called, "GHANDAIAH'S FEET OF DOOM".
[JC] Really.
[Ghand] And it would come with free copies of SiN!
[JC] GOOD LORD, NO!
[Ghand] Whoa! You're capable of more than one tone!
[JC] Yeah.
[Ghand] Let's get some waffles!
[JC] I want to leave now. This has been, uhm... really pointless.
[Ghand] Wait! Wait, come back!
*pause*
[Ghand] I was about to propose, you know!
*pause*
[Ghand] YOU RUINED THE MAGIC! I CAN'T FEEL THE MAGIC!
*pause*
[JC] *muffled, from a distance* Idiot.
:End Transmission:
Hahaha! He's some character!
...
Orange.
NOT LEMON.
Oh, and all those who sent in mail for the mailbag, it will be featured next week in an extra massively long episode of Got Ghand. So don't worry - I'm not blowing you off like the morons you are.
Erm, I mean... the cool... nice people that you are...
Ahaha...
Wooo...
How's it goin', man?
THESE HANDS! THESE HANDS! I CAN'T GET THEM OFF OF MY WRISTS! OH GOD!
:Terminate signal:
Haven't you ever noticed how I write cool stuff down here? ...No? Well, then I guess you missed last week's get a million dollars for free link. Oh well. It's expired by now.
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