Hey hey, folks, welcome to the first double-digit Got Ghand, number 10, with a Captain, his name is Red. He's Captain Red, and thus the name, Captain Red. And he tells me old Navy stories. And then we all sit around the fire, eating smores, hahaha, those are the good old days.
Anyway, the winner of the Got Ghand contest was Regenesis. He made a "Got Ghand album", which consists of several songs. You can follow this link to download it.
Yay, and you fiends finally get to write into the column again. Send your crap here. And die while you're at it. Aye, mateys! There's a vast sea of squid out there, and I'll be damned if one of 'em ain't named Billy!
:Begin Transmission:
You know... I almost got to post a pic of DedEye and his mom in this article... ...But I can't.
Because... erm...
I lost it. I lost it among my many, many crates of Preparation H and sulfuric acid. Hahaha, that reminds me of a funny story... once, I accidentally grabbed a bottle of acid instead of Prep H when my ass pains started acting up again, and-
Yeah, good times we had back when mint ice cream still consisted of lethal amounts of Tylenol and our heads were made up of six pixels on a 320x200 screen powered by the adrenaline-rushin' spirit of a 486. Damn, that thing played one mean Doom!
Wait, I still have that old piece of crap...
That's right, folks, I'm forced to write my column on a 486, because MJ12 is actually so tech-deprived now they have to resort to borrowing hardware from public schools.
How all the pictures in this article end up at 1024x768, err, like I said, I'm writing my column from the future.
On a 486.
But... from the future. So I can run 1024x768 on a 486.
Oh, yeah, and I forgot to mention, Microsoft owned every industry in the world for a while there, the US slipped into a dictatorship under the influence of someone named "Orlando"... But then all was well again, because this great company called Schwans somehow took over and made things right again. Hey, free "bagel dogs" all around!
No, really, Schwans is great. MJ12 buys all their food from them now - Which is, strangely, another public school-related purchase... but nonetheless, I mean, look at this stuff:
Doesn't that just look appetizing to you? Mmm, I could eat a whole bucket of those!
(Note: After which, of course, I'd have to live the rest of my life in a hospital bed, drinking my food from a straw, vomiting violently every five minutes. But I digress.)
(Another note: The views and opinions of this column are not real. Do not read this column. It is fake. There is no spoon. There is no computer. There even is no brain in the thick confines of your skull. Yeah, that's right, laugh it off. You'll find some more shiny objects to stare at tomorrow.)
Anyway, I believe there was a contest that was won, was there not? Yes. So, with a little help from my pet ferret, "Bleeding Skull Ragnar" (hereby referred to as "Bob"), let's get on with the part where the guy that won blabbers on incoherently to me as I dejectedly pass out due to his monotone voice and uninteresting tales.
In other words, here comes the hodown, paw! YEE-HAW!
*Grabs the shotgun and moonshine, gits in his pickup truck, and squeals off.*
:Transmitting Interview:
[Ghandaiah] Shall we endeavor in that method? [Regenesis] Sounds good to me. [Ghand] Now, eh... [Ghand]*cough* [Ghand]*stares backstage* [Ghand]*suddenly realizes cameras are rolling* [Ghand] Oh, I forgot to tell you. You're now officially in the Got Ghand studios. Welcome! [Regenesis] Wow! How did i get here? [Ghand] Aren't our furnishings nice? [Regenesis] Quite... I dig the inflatable chairs. [Ghand] Inflatable? ...Whoa... ...You're right... ...All these years... ... [Regenesis] You mean months. [Ghand] Months. Eh, er, right. Months. [Ghand] Oh, we're doing an interview, aren't we? Yes.
Okay, then. Hey, everybody! This is Regenesis, he won the contest, blardy blardy, somewhere in this
article I've probably posted a link to download his stuff, if not, I passed out. [Ghand] Say hello to the nice people, Regenesis. [Regenesis] Hi nice people! [Ghand] They're all morons, Regenesis. They'll watch anything. [Regenesis] Apparently [Ghand] Mmhmm.
*pause*
[Regenesis]*laughs at the people* [Ghand] Okay, Regenesis, the first portion of our interview will be a ten question... eh, thingy. ARE YOU READY? [Regenesis] Ready. [Ghand] NO, GET READY... Yeah... just... yeah, just put on the... put on the overalls and get the moonshine jug... yeah... okay, there you go. [Ghand] HE IS NOW READY. [Regenesis] Er... [Ghand] 1) Favorite cheese? [Regenesis] Cheddar. [Ghand] Nice call. Swiss is evil. [Regenesis] Yeah, with the cameras and all.... [Ghand] I believe I've explained -that- theory one too many times. Aheheh... oh, man... [Regenesis] Yes, you have. [Ghand] *stares at Regenesis like a Blue Man*
[Ghand] Don't tell me how to do it, mister. [Regenesis] Sorry. [Ghand] Yeah. [Ghand] You better be. [Ghand] ...
*pause*
[Regenesis]*waits* [Ghand] 2) Compare and contrast the measures of evil in the following animals: Squirrels and Dung Beetles. [Regenesis] Squirrels are definitely more evil. They have that whole "cute" thing going on, and you just know that's a lie. [Ghand] LIES. ALL OF IT. [Ghand] You're not a liar, are you, Regenesis? [Regenesis] Yes. [Ghand] Ye-... [Regenesis] which means I'm not. [Ghand] You-... [Regenesis] Because that was a lie. [Ghand] Okay, now you're confusing me, pal. First you tell me how to do it, then you confuse me. We're off on the wrong foot here, Reg. It should be THE RIGHT FOOT. NO, NOT THE LEFT ONE. THE RIGHT ONE, WITH THE PRETTY PINK BOOTS. [Regenesis] Um....ok. [Ghand] Yeah. Ok. Darn tootin' it's okay. [Regenesis] That boot kind of clashes with the body armor. [Ghand] It does? ...Damn. [Regenesis] A little. [Ghand] Should I get the whole pink body armor thing going? 'Cause that would be nice... [Ghand]*stares backstage* [Regenesis] That's a good idea. [Ghand] Erm... Next question. [Ghand]*turns red* [Regenesis] Ok. [Ghand] 3) Do you think I belong in: [Ghand] - -A) An insane asylum [Ghand] - -B) A mental hospital [Ghand] - -C) Kentucky [Regenesis] Aren't A and B the same answer? [Ghand] No. [Regenesis] Oh. [Regenesis] How about a mental hospital in Kentucky? [Ghand] That would work. [Regenesis] OK then. [Ghand] 5) Why was there no question 4? [Regenesis] Because you're lazy [Ghand] ...Damn. You got it right. [Regenesis] What do i win? [Ghand] Uhm... Er... [Ghand]*reaches into pocket* [Ghand] How about a ball of lint? Will that work for ya? It's minty fresh. [Regenesis]*examines it closely* [Regenesis] Yes, it is indeed. [Ghand]*pokes it with a stick* [Ghand] DEAR GOD, IT MOVED!
[Ghand] Maybe that's just the drugs. [Ghand] ... [Regenesis] Probably. [Ghand]*stares backstage* [Ghand] Next question. [Regenesis]*stares backstage also* [Ghand] 6) Why do I keep staring backstage? [Regenesis] I don't know... I just looked back there and all i saw were some old paint cans and spider webs- Wait a minute! This isn't a studio at all! It's your basement! [Ghand] SHUT UP! THIS IS MY STUDIO! IT'S MY STUDIO, DAMMIT! [Ghand] ... [Regenesis] are those cameras even on? [Ghand] That hurts, Regenesis. That hurts me deep inside... [Ghand] And, yes... The cameras are on. See? The little red dot isn't on. That means the camera is rolling. Doesn't it? [Regenesis] Is there film in there? [Ghand] Film? What? Oh, no, these are special cameras, lots of people make that mistake. They're, uh... They're crouton-fueled. Yeah. [Regenesis] Ah, of course. [Regenesis] Far superior to film cameras. [Ghand]*Must... keep... asking... questions!* [Ghand] Who said that? [Regenesis] You. [Ghand] Incorrect answer. Commence explosion of head. [Regenesis] does that mean i have to give the lint back? [Ghand] Yes. Right now. [Regenesis] Damn... [Ghand]*holds up electric prod* [Regenesis] Fine, take it. [Ghand] Thank you. Your business is appreciated. [Regenesis]*cries* [Regenesis] I'll miss you, lint. [Ghand] DON'T GET ALL BABY ON ME, MISTER. [Ghand] You see this? You see this piece of lint? [Regenesis] Yes. [Ghand] ...This piece of lint is FIRED! [Ghand]*throws it down on floor* [Ghand]*stomps on it* [Ghand] He was a bad actor, anyway. [Regenesis] That was a bit excessive, dont you think? [Ghand] Excessive? Nooooo... ... ...Hey, can I call you Captain Red? [Regenesis] No. [Ghand] ...Please? [Regenesis] No. [Ghand] And then you can call me Skipper... [Ghand] Pl- [Regenesis] Absolutely not. [Ghand] You're embarrassing me, Regenesis. Stop it. STOP IT NOW. [Regenesis] No, i think you do that just fine on your own. [Ghand] I do not.
[Ghand] Wait, weren't we doing some kind of question thing? [Regenesis] Yes, we were. [Ghand] Euuuhhhhh, what were we on? Seven? Ten? Three? Hmm... [Regenesis] Seven. [Ghand] Eight? [Regenesis] Seven. [Ghand] Fifty? [Regenesis] Yes. [Ghand] Okay. [Ghand] 50) Any words of wisdom for all the silly simpleton fools out there reading this? [Regenesis]*thinks* [Ghand]*stares* [Ghand] You- [Ghand]*stares* [Ghand] ... ...I said, you- [Ghand]*stares* [Regenesis] Me? [Ghand] Okay, stop the- [Ghand]*stares* [Ghand] ... [Ghand] Who's in control of the- [Ghand]*stares* [Ghand] DAMMIT- [Ghand]*stares* [Ghand] ... [Regenesis] Uh... [Ghand] I just- [Ghand]*stares* [Regenesis] Are you ok? [Ghand] I- [Ghand]*stares* [Ghand] THIS DAMN STARES CONTRAP- [Ghand]*stares* [Ghand] -BROKEN- [Ghand]*stares* [Ghand] -IT JUST TURN- [Ghand]*stares* [Regenesis] I'm going to go get something to drink... Call me when you get that staring thing under control. [Ghand] H- [Ghand]*stares* [Ghand] HEL- [Ghand]*stares* [Ghand] HELP M- [Ghand]*stares* [Ghand] ... [Ghand]*cries* [Ghand]*stares* [Ghand] STOP STARING AT ME! [Ghand] ... [Ghand] Hmm... I think I fixed it... uhm... test?... Testing, 1 2 3... Wow, it's... it's... Hey, where'd you go? ...Hey! It's dark in this basemen- erm, studio! [Regenesis] What? Oh, sorry. I was busy not paying attention. [Ghand] Oh. Cool. So what do you think of this interview, Red? Been pretty pointless, huh? Yeah, that's the way it goes. [Regenesis] Mostly, yes. [Ghand] Well that's good. Or bad. Whatever. So, uh... You read my article a lot? [Regenesis] I do. [Ghand] Because I read my article a lot. I read your articles, too. You know... The one with the fish? The fish... and the, uh... and that guy... You know that one... You... ... ...Sorry. [Regenesis] With the face? [Ghand] Yeah! With the face!
[Regenesis] Yeah, he's a riot. [Ghand] Aha... aheheh.... I bet he is. [Ghand] Hey, you know what's a fun word? [Regenesis] No. [Ghand] Palm tree. [Ghand] Just say it. [Ghand] Palm tree. [Regenesis] That's 2 words. [Ghand] Almost right up there with pants. Pants is only one word, you know. [Ghand] ... [Ghand] It's... It's only one word. [Ghand] See? I'm smart too. [Ghand] I am! Really! [Regenesis]*smiles and nods* [Regenesis]*goes to sleep*
*pause*
[Ghand] What? Oh, sorry, I passed out there a moment. I didn't say anything embarrassing while I was unconscious, did I? Heh... once I was babbling about how I liked to wear my pants on my head, and- [Ghand] Wait... [Ghand] That's.... That's personal. Never mind. [Regenesis] Well, let's just say the whole elephant/golf cart incident is no longer a secret. [Ghand] JIBBER JABBER! JIBBER! [Regenesis] ...Um... [Ghand] Sorry, that's my, erm, ferret. His name is Bob. [Regenesis] Hi Bob. [Ghand] Bob wants to kill your head. Don't take it too personally. [Regenesis] No, of course not. Most ferrets do. [Ghand] ...You know many ferrets? [Regenesis] No, that was just a broad generalization. [Ghand] Ahem... Ah. So you're making a stereotypical remark, then? [Regenesis] Essentially. [Ghand] Well that's not very nice. I think I'm going to have to kick you in the forehead. Bob is upset. [Regenesis] Tell that to the ferrets that killed my father!!! [Ghand]*GASP* [Ghand] YOU TOO? ...CONSPIRACY! [Ghand]*runs away* [Regenesis] Hey, I can't do this on my own! [Regenesis]*stares at the camera* [Regenesis]*waves* [Ghand]*runs back to baseme- er, studio* [Ghand] Sure you can. Just talk to yourself, like I do. It's fun and easy! JIBBER JABBER! JIBBER! [Ghand] That was me that time. Bob's swimming in the toilet again. [Regenesis] Isn't that dangerous? [Regenesis] I mean... What if somebody stood up... And walked over to the toilet....AND FLUSHED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Ghand] Aw, no, he does it all the time. I even let Banjo swim in the toile- waitaminute... ...Banjo is... ... ...BAAAANNNNNNJJJJJJJJOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! [Ghand] ...So many... hurtful memories... Why, Banjo?! ...WHY?! [Regenesis] Who's Banjo? [Ghand]*stares at Regenesis* [Ghand] I thought you said you read my article. IF YOU READ MY ARTICLE, YOU WOULD KNOW THAT IN NUMBER 6, SECTION 28, LINE 3, IT CLEARLY STATES THAT BANJO IS A SEA MONKEY! [Regenesis] Yeah, but i don't memorize them... I do have a life, you know. [Ghand] Was that an insult, Regenesis? [Regenesis] Yes. [Ghand] First you tell me how to do it. Then you embarrass me. Then you point out that this is a basement - erm, which it isn't. Then you insult me. I think I'm going to have to call off this interview. THIS WILL IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM, BE INCLUDED IN GOT GHAND 10. NEVER. [Ghand]*stares at audience* [Regenesis] I'm sorry, I won't let it happen again. [Ghand] Too late. This is already burning. [Regenesis]*cries* [Ghand] I'm watching my monitor go up in flames now. [Regenesis] My life is ruined!!! [Ghand] WAIT! MY MONITOR! NO! [Ghand]*throws bucket of water on monitor* [Ghand]*electricity shoots out, killing Ghand* [Ghand]*sizzle* [Ghand]*thud* [Ghand] ... [Ghand]*silence* [Regenesis] Uh... we seem to be having... uh... technical difficulties...
*pause*
[Regenesis] Psst... Ghand, hit the fire button to respawn. [Ghand] Oh, thanks. [Ghand]*respawns* [Regenesis] No problem. [Ghand] Yeah, well. This was a long interview, Captain Red. [Regenesis] Yes, it was, Skipper. [Ghand]*GASP* [Ghand] YOU CALLED ME SKIPPER! ...I can now die a happy man. [Regenesis] No i didn't. [Ghand] ...Oh. ...That hurts, Red. A POX ON THEE AND THINE FERRET! [Regenesis] Um... It's your ferret. [Ghand] Liar. [Ghand] You're a liar. [Ghand] It's your ferret. [Regenesis]*activates anti-pox aug* [Ghand] You brought him here. [Ghand] I demand you to take him home with you. Take the soggy ferret home. He's had his toilet bath already tonight. Just feed him a cup of gravel in the morning, and everything will be fine. [Regenesis] No, I clearly recall him crawling out of your pants while you were asking question 4. [Ghand] Out of my pants? HA! I DON'T WEAR PANTS! [Regenesis] Yes you do... you know, the things with the pockets? [Ghand] Those are pants? [Regenesis] Yes. [Ghand]*stares backstage* [Ghand] Evil is afoot, Regenesis. It's a foot. Evil is in the form of a foot. Thus, my feet of doom. [Regenesis] Hahahahahaha!!!!! [Ghand] WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT, WISE GUY? [Regenesis] Your clever use of puns. [Ghand] Pun. Pun. Pun. Now there's another funny word. [Regenesis] Um. [Ghand] Uh, the voices in my head are telling me to end the interview now. I think it's been too long... [Regenesis] OK then. [Ghand] Maybe we should pistol duel at midnight?
[Regenesis] Why? [Ghand] That would be a dramatic conclusion to the interview. [Regenesis] Oh, OK. [Ghand]*shoots self* [Ghand] Ouch. [Ghand] There, that was dramatic too, wasn't it? [Regenesis] Not terribly. [Ghand] I... You're really quite evil. [Regenesis] Thank you. :-) [Ghand]*sigh* [Ghand] Oh well. SAY GOODBYE TO THE MORONS OF THE WORLD, RED. [Regenesis] Goodbye morons of the world! [Ghand] Ahaheh... Oh, man... [Regenesis] Can I throw in a shameless plug for my mod, DXMP PartyZone? [Ghand] Oh! Yes! Yes you can! Start talking. ...BZZT! Time is up! Goodbye! [Regenesis] Hey! [Regenesis] That's not fair. [Ghand] Ahehehe... Life isn't fair, Red. ...No, go ahead, plug your mod. I'll listen. Really. [Regenesis] Promise? [Ghand] Yes. Promise. [Regenesis] OK. [Regenesis] The site is-
:End of Interview:
And that's as far as we got before I furiously mashed the big quit X on the cheap chat program we were forced to use by large men who shared names with the 50 states!
What?
*looks backstage*
You mean... I actually have to show the rest of the interview?
...Damn.
You got lucky this time, Regenesis. YOU GOT LUCKY THIS TIME! BUT NEXT TIME, BUDDY! NEXT TIME I'LL MAKE YOU EAT SCHWANS! HA! NO REMORSE!
:Transmitting Interview:
[Regenesis] The site is http://www.geocities.com/dxmp_partyzone/Main.htm, and we could really use some help, especially in the coding department. [Ghand] Do you need any help in the moonshine department? [Regenesis] The idea of the mod is to create a virtual danceclub where you can get together, get drunk, chat, etc. [Ghand] Will there be moonshine? [Regenesis] No, DX provides plenty of liquor already. [Ghand] ...Damn. [Regenesis] Sorry. [Ghand] Well, I gotta go, uhm... do, uh... all the important stuff... that I do... like... uh... uhhhhh..... [Ghand] Make fun of Despot. [Ghand] And, uh.... annnnd.... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............ UUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...... UUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH......... [Regenesis] That's really all you do, isn't it? [Ghand]*explodes*
:End of Interview:
There. That was your damn interview. Happy now? GOOD! YOU BETTER BE HAPPY, OR I'LL OPEN MY BIG BOX OF HAPPY ON YOUR ASS, AND THEN YOU'LL BE ONE HAPPY SON OF A-
*Suddenly notices crowd of children staring at him in studio.*
Oh, uh... Hi, kids... heheh...
*Blushes, looks backstage.*
I thought you guys said the children's book reading was next week... Agh! You're worthless, all of you! Fine. FINE. I'll read them the best damn story they've ever heard.
*Looks back at kids.*
Alright, kiddies gather around. Once upon a time there was a boy named Billy. Billy wanted Mr. Ghandaiah to read him a story, but Ghandaiah was ANGRY that day. GHANDAIAH WAS ONE ANGRY MAN. GHANDAIAH TORE BILLY'S HEAD OFF AND ATE IT RAW. THE END. NOW GO AWAY!
*Kids stare at Ghand wide-eyed.*
...
RAR#@!
*Kids run away.*
YEAH! YOU RUN! YOU RUN AWAY, ALL OF YOU! AND YOU BETTER NOT TELL ON ME, EITHER!
Hey... HEY, WAIT! PLEASE! I'M SORRY!
...
Great, now I'll get no TV and no PC for a week. You know what the moral of the story is, folks? ...Don't ever use acid instead of Preparation H right before a storybook reading.
Good night.
*Waddles awkwardly off stage.*
:End Transmission:
Note: Special thanks to mouse and KaMiKaZe, the guys responsible for a few of the pictures in this episode of Got Ghand. Plus, from now on, a new Got Ghand feature: Find the dead Joe Greene!
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