Got Ghand is finally back in action. I know how long the gaps between my articles have been as of late. Things should pick up soon, though. The next three weeks are pretty much locked in with new Got Ghands. No more month-long breaks, sirrah. =P
And... uh... E-mail me, you silly fiends!
As for this installment - Welcome to the Halloween episode. Get it? Got Ghand 13 is the Halloween episode? 13 is an unlucky number? Ahaha! Aha... Sorry.
:Begin Transmission:
Tisk. Tisk. Tisk.
Let me tell you, folks... Genetic engineering? It’s the devil’s workshop.
Yessir. Things here at ye-old-underwater-MJ12-base were crawling along pretty slowly for a few weeks there. I’m sure you’ve noticed the lack of Got Ghands and such... I mean, how can’t you? It makes the site! All those other articles? TRASH! TRASH FOR THE GARBAGE BIN! DOWN THE TOILET! BURN! EXPLOSION RODEO!
I went to an explosion rodeo the other day. Burns a little, but if you keep ice down your pants, you should be fine.
What in God’s na-
Er, yes. Things were slow. So slow, in fact, that Propellerhead’s “Spybreak” started playing at one point, and... well... Things went downhill from there.
That’s when it all happened, sirs and ladies.
Attack of the mutant thing.
It all started with a single science experiment for the “intelligence declined” members of MJ12.
Yes, I was part of it. Shut up.
They had us collecting pond water (Yes, pond water, strangely enough; There was no pond anywhere within miles and miles, only ocean. But it was pond water. I assure you. I can tell... with my... x-ray... uh... ultraviolet... vision... thing.) and placing it onto slides, viewing it through brightly-colored microscopes that had “Fischer Price” written on the side, and didn’t actually magnify anything.
Well, one thing led to the next, I- Er, I mean, some fool... ended up vomiting in the pond water (from the sausage/cheese/milk/butter/beans/grasshopper soup he had consumed the previous day... But I wouldn’t know... Because it certainly wasn’t me...) - And... well... something happened.
Something very bad.
MJ12 troopers started reporting sightings of an indescribable “mutant thing” (others called it a “Despot,” I’m not too sure what that is yet) around the compound... At first, I thought it was just me... But it turned out we had a, er, visitor.
*”Spooky” two-dollar Halloween music jumps in, playing softly on a tape recorder, wavering slightly. It abruptly shuts off, followed by several soft profanities, some clicks, and then a loud SMASH.*
...
Tech monkeys...
Anyway... That’s when the security cameras started picking up visuals of this thing... and it is the WORST... SITE... I’VE EVER... SEEN...
EEEEEK!
Oh, sorry, wrong photo... Here it is:
Disgusting, isn’t it?
We named it “Sunshine.”
That’s not the worst of it, oh no! It was eating all our cheesecake! It was destroying our priceless microscopes! It killed Keanue Reeves!
Which is good!
But it also started blaring “Lady Marmalade” over the loudspeakers and consumed every last bit of my Preparation H supply! SUNSHINE WAS A VERY NAUGHTY MUTANT!
We tried tranquilizing it. We tried shooting it. We tried burning it! We tried locking it into a chair and forcing it to watch endless clips of the “Tomb Raider” movie! NOTHING WORKED! DEAR GOD, NOT EVEN THE LAST ONE! IT ONLY SEEMED TO MAKE THE DAMNED THING TOUGHER!
Then it escaped one night.
It dug deep into the bowels of the compound.
The only shot we got of it during that period was this:
That’s when it started tearing through the upper levels of the facility again. Some caught glimpses of it... The less fortunate ones... But thank God they didn’t witness it as it was in the photo above...
*Shivers.*
I, myself, once saw it in person. ...I could have sworn it was Sym’s momma, but I was assured it was the mutant thing.
Anyway... After several nights of passing out, waking up in dumpsters, suffering large memory lapses, violently exploding, and finding myself in the crowds of several more explosion rodeos, one night, I had a revelation:
Sausage/cheese/milk/butter/beans/grasshopper is not a good mixture for soup.
I think I had indigestion for months.
BUT THEN IT HIT ME...
IT HIT ME LIKE SCHWANS FOOD HITTING THE GRIMY UNDERSIDE OF A PARKED MINIVAN IN A 7/11 PARKING LOT...
IT HIT ME LIKE A CINDER BLOCK TO THE FOREHEAD... IT HIT ME WITH SUCH FORCE THAT I PASSED OUT SEVERAL TIMES, ONLY TO HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT LIVING IN A WORLD WITHOUT SPORKS... A WORLD WHERE A PERSON HAD TO HAVE A REASON FOR ACTING ILLOGICAL! HAD TO HAVE A REASON FOR BEING INSANE!
*Large American flag drapes down in background as the national anthem begins to play.*
WELL LET ME TELL YOU, KIDS, THAT’S NO NATION OF MINE! I LIVE IN AMERICA! AMERICA HAS SPORKS AND POINTLESS INSANITY AND A POPULATION THAT’S 99% IDIOTS!
*Sparklers ignite; Pyrotechnics activate.*
YESSIR, I LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE! THE LAND WHERE WE CAN WEAR WOMENS’ CLOTHING IF WE WANT TO, BECAUSE DAGNABBIT, THAT’S JUST THE WAY I SWING! THE LAND WHERE WE CAN EAT NINETY-NINE CENT HAMBURGERS THAT ARE NINETY-NINE PERCENT GRISTLE AND GREASE AND NOT GET ARRESTED FOR LACK OF TASTE! THE LAND WHERE WE CAN BLAST LOUD POLKA, AND YOU KNOW WHAT, NOBODY CAN DO A DAMN THING ABOUT IT! YESSIR! GOD BLESS AMERICA, KIDS! GOD BLESS AMERICA!
*A spark from a pyrotechnic effect lands on Ghand’s sleeve - He immediately bursts into flames.*
OH! LORDY!
*Everything goes black... Loud screams can be heard in the background, then stamping, loud cursing, thumping and rolling...*
IT BURNS!!!! IT'S BURNING ME!!!! OH GOD IT HURTS!!!!! SOMBODY GET ME SOME WATER!!!! Umm....Uhhh, excuse me, I have an inginous plan. Here it be.
1. You....OH GOD, GET IT OFF, IT BURNS!!!!
2. STOP THE BURNING, PLEASE!!!!!!
3. WATER!!!!! WATER!!!!!
4. SOMEBODY STOP THE BURNING!!!!
5. Get your cow laser.
6. PLEASE STOP THE INSANITY!!!!!
7. SHOOT ME!!!
8. SHOOT ME NOW!!!
9. NO, BACK AWAY!!!!
10. I'LL SHOOT YOU, WITH MY GUN!!!
11. DAMN, GUN BURNING TOO!!!
12. OHHHHH GOD THE PAIN!!!
13. Congratulations, your free.
Hope that help
Sincerely
OHHHHH GOD, TOO MUCH BURNING!!!! NEED BAND-AIDS NOW!!!!*Lights turn on again - Ghand stands, staring at audience, clothes completely charred.*
What letter? Th-... Oh, I see it... Yeah...
*coughs*
You too? Sorry, pal, but your plan doesn’t help me much. The LOUD, PAINFUL SCREAMS blocked out anything REMOTELY INTELLIGENT you might have been trying to say.
Don’t blink.
You heard me. Don’t blink.
Why? Because. Because look at me now. I’m all charred and hurting. You blink, you know I’ll be back to normal. The minute your attention is taken off me, and then back on, boom, I’m back to normal.
That’s right... Keep trying...
You’ll blink eventually...
...
...
*Someone in audience blinks.*
A-HA!
*Instead of Ghand returning back to normal, he violently explodes all over the room.*
*Prolonged pause.*
*Gibs reassemble themselves... Ghand stands on stage, back to normal.*
See? Okay, so there was a little mess in there beforehand... But I told you so, damnit.
Uh... We were talking about what hit me?
Well, it was...
...
It was th-...
...
*Looks in this episode’s script.*
Ah! Mutant thing, right. It hit me that... maybe this mutant thing just... you know... wanted to be... friends. It was lonely. That had to be it. It was shunned for listening to “Lady Marmalade.” Which, okay, it deserved, but hey, it killed Keanue, it couldn’t be all bad, could it?
...
Okay, so it was the most evil thing to ever walk this plane of existence. So what. We eventually slaughtered “Sunshine” by bolting it to a chair and forcing it to play “Red Faction” for twelve hours. Eventually, its mind imploded on itself, and the sun did indeed shine once more.
I like to shoot the seagulls. They die when I do. Its funny. I know a secret that you don't know. There is a hidden ending. This is how u get this hidden ending featuring Mr.T
1. When Bob page is in his blue protectiony thing, right click on him.
2. He says things to you.
3. When he asks, "Ham, Or Cheese?"
4. Choose the secret one, Crutons (You spell it with letters somehow)
5. He will then Excape the prison Blue thingy.
6. Follow him until he leads to a room filled with glorious packages of
Sporks, Foons, and *Shudder, Shudder* Squirrels!!!
7. Shoot all the squirrels with your gun type thing.
8. Bob will yell at you and smack you upside the head.
9. You'll go uncounsious.
10. When you wake up, you're in Alabama.
11. Next to you is a letter with these words scribbled on it in mustard...
"Remember the Alamo, and forget reality"
Signed Bob Page
12. Spooky huh.
13. Oh yeah, Mr.T pops up at the end and says
"Don't be a foo' Brotha, Stay in school"
That is the end of my secret ending tutorial mabob. Hope your life is filled
with glourious moments of Happyness, Sadness.....And what was that other
thing
*Scary type Silence*
Oh yeah, Crutons.
Sincerely
Bob's Pager
Uh-huh.
Look, mister, the Mr. T thing is over, okay? It’s over between us. He know that, I know that. His “how to deal with females” courses, yeah, you know what good they did me? JACK SQUAT, okay? You got a problem with that? No? Fine.
I miss Sunshine, damnit.
He was such a good mutant thing.
*sighs*
Oh well...
I’ll always have the memories...
*Cheap, sappy soap opera music tunes in.*
*Ghand sketches a picture onto a pad of paper... Looks at it for a moment... And then bolts out of the room, eyes watering.*
Explosion rodeo.
:End Transmission:
Yesss! Another Got Ghand, another article packed full of stuff not made by me! Thanks to mouse for the "mutant thing" renderings, and CoMpUdOc for that last l337 h4x0r drawing.
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