WHOA! Another Got Ghand, and there hasn’t been a month-long gap between this one and the last one! Sweet Jeebus, the roosters got me!
As a follow-up to Got Ghand 13, which was also a holiday-themed installment, I bring you Got Ghand 14, the thanksgiving “special.” Then, you can’t really call any one Got Ghand installment “special,” because all of them are... well...
...”special”...
So here you go, kids. And unlike last episode, this one’s not several days late for the actual damn holiday! Send your letters here, but remember to send all hate-mail and mafia connections to Despot.
:Begin Transmission:
Greetings, ladies and gents, fellow basement-dwellers of the world, consumers of cheese and popcorn... Oh! And those little sausage links, too. You know, the kind they serve at continental breakfasts in hotels? Er... What was I getting at?
We folk have a lot to be thankful for at this time of year! Thankful for having such a great game like Deus Ex to celebrate... thankful for spontaneous combustion! Thankful for freedom, and entertainment... and the right to publicly display pictures of our ex-bosses however we please (kudos to Gwog)! Yessir, we should be thankful for the liberty of prancing around on our yards in our underwear under the moonlight every evening, and thankful that Despot doesn’t do such things!
But lemme tell ya, if there’s anything you “real-world” dwellers should be thankful for...
IT’S TURKEY!
You heard me! You take your damn turkey for granted, all of you! Turkey this and turkey that! Well you can take your CRANBERRY SAUCE and CRAM it right up your sorry ASS! HOW’S THAT FOR STUFFING?!
Er... excuse me. You just don’t know what it’s like to live in a turkey-neglected kingdom of turkey-neglected... ness.
That’s right, kids. Deus Ex doesn’t have TURKEY. Ever taken a long, hard glance into the UnrealEd objects list? HUH?! Let me tell you what’s there, then.
SOY FOOD AND CANDY BARS! That’s IT! NOTHING else!
SODA AND WINE! ALCOHOLIC DRINKS! NO TURKEY! NO CRANBERRY SAUCE! NO STUFFING, OR GRAVY, OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT MAKES UP THE WARM LITTLE HAPPY CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!
So we’re left to compromise.
And that’s all we get, folks.
Yeah, you guys get the liberty of watching football and enjoying the weather. There’s no WEATHER in the deep blue sea, folks. And if there was, I’d MURDER every weatherman in SIGHT!
But that’s me.
You know what sports we get down here? Here. I’ll name a few. Spontaneous Combustion Game: Sit around. Wait. See who bursts into flames first. Was it you? You win!
Who Can Eat The Most EMP Grenades Without Getting Explosive Diarrhea Game: The name says it all! Eat one... two... three... feel those intestines churning yet? Be sure to swallow them whole! Chewing results in bad mojo!
Smash Bottles Over Ghandaiah’s Head Game: Mainly played by the guards. I don’t like this game...
Pharaoh’s Tomb: The only game capable of running smoothly on the MJ12 collection of 486 computers!
You see? You see how much you BASTARDS take for granted? Man... merge Deus Ex with football! Imagine that!
Buuuuuut, I’ve done enough rambling about how unfortunate I am, and why I’d prefer a cold, stone grave over this HELL of a place, and why they don’t let me keep a MIRROR in my cell anymore, because I’ve previously attempted to SMASH it, and use the shards to CUT MYSELF, and feel the PAIN! THE PAIN OF TRIUMPHANT DEATH! THE BLISSFUL EXIT FROM THIS WORLD! OH, GLORIOUS DAY! I SHALL USE THEIR INTESTINES AS A BOWTIE AND THEIR STOMACHS AS A HAT! AND OH, HOW SHALL I DANCE!
...
What city is this again? Chicago?
Er... Let’s answer some mail before this article gets COMPLETELY like Got Ghands nine through eleven.
Nice to see the balaclaved one back in action. Your insane ramblings always
brighten my day.
ScarabKing
PS: SWISS IS EVIL!!!!!
And that it is, ScabKing! And that it is.
...Except when you have nothing to eat for thanksgiving other than soy food and candybars...
And maybe a soy food candy bar...
I’d kill for a turkey... Glorious... plump... filling... turkey...
I am in no way implying anything about fellow PDX staff writer King Kashue with the above picture.
...*Cough.*
It is I, Luminous Path your escape technician!
Here is another fool-proof, Ghand-proof, fail-proof, proof-proof plan!
1. Get a relative to send you one of the new Lego BIONICLE (TM) models. If you have no relatives get me to send you one.
2. Assemble it.
3. Get a large piece of cardboard and scissors. Make the cardboard match the mask on the model. Put the cardboard mask over your balaclava and wait.
4. The next time a guard comes by your cell, tell him that you are a Toa and must be released immediately, to attend to the island of Mata Nui.
5. He will freak and apologise for locking you up.
6. Go out of the complex and burn the cardboard mask. Drop a large H-bomb down the elevator shaft of the complex.
7. SCREAM.
8. Run.
9. Arrive two weeks later in New York. DO NOT ARRIVE IN A LARGE SWISS CHEESE.
10. If you arrive in a large swiss cheese, everyone in New York will kill your head.
See ya in New York.
Luminous Path
Lumbering Sash, if I could read English, I might understand what I’m currently writing!
Then, probably not.
But, regardless, I will now ask you a question.
What does this picture bring to mind? Does it make you think... “My, this is one handsome fellow?” ...Does it make you think, “If I were a woman, I would date this man?” ...Or does it simply make you think, “Where can I get a stunning mask like that one?”
Well, Loobinous, if you were to think any of those things, I’d be flattered. But you’re wrong.
That, you see, is the outfit I was wearing while writing Got Ghand 13. If you look at the following picture of what I am wearing as I write this installment, the difference will be obvious.
Who’s up for another round of “Spontaneous Combustion Game”?!
So remember to be thankful! Thankful for your turkey! Thankful for football, and the element of fire! Thankful for not suffering, day after day, in the same mundane underwater jail cell! And finally, be thankful for freedom. Because where would this country be without the right to blurt things like, “Yo Momma, Bin Laden”?
Not very far, kids. Not very far indeed.
*Violently explodes.*
OOH! I WIN!
:End Transmission:
Alas, it seems I have run out of ways to make fun of Gwog, and am forced to take out all of my aggression on the unsuspecting King Kashue! ...Oh well. He'll live.
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