Remember the comic-book style installment I had a while back? Since I got mixed feedback about that, what I’m doing now (if you haven’t already noticed) is merely putting several comic-style series of images in the Got Ghand articles. I think they’re more humorously flexible than your standard solitary picture.
The moon. The letter “h.” Dairy products. My feet. The preceding things have absolutely nothing to do with each other whatsoever.
What, in the name of G(w)o(g)d, am I talking about?
Absolutely nothing. That’s right! That’s the key! The key to the door! The door of goodness! With the key that you picked off Benny’s belt as he was rambling drunkenly to one of Truart’s maids! Swing open that door of goodness! I can only show you the door... You have to open it!
Don’t worry if the doorknob scalds your hand... Violently... And your flesh melts when you open it... That’s... uh... perfectly normal...
Where are my reading glasses? Ah. There they are.
Many people, throughout the ages, have MARVELED at my complete and utter lack of sense. Others have WONDERED at my capability of establishing an ongoing article at Planet Deus Ex when the article itself, in fact, has nothing to do with Deus Ex whatsoever... Except that, well, I AM a captured NSF agent, held captive in a secret MJ12 underwater prison... But I digress... This article is nonsense... NOTHING... STUPID... I should bathe in butter and be forced into a cage filled with a thousand starved hamsters...
Er... Well, the wait has ended! The wait for what, you ask? No, not the wait for another movie with an aspiring wrestler/actor as its lead, silly!
It’s the wait...
For...
GHANDAIAH’S GUIDE TO HOW TO BE COMPLETELY RANDOM!
Yes! In EIGHT easy steps, right now - YES! THIS VERY MOMENT! DO NOT LET THE EXCITEMENT COLLAPSE YOUR BODY INTO A EUPHORIC STATE OF BLISS! - You will swiftly learn how you, yourself, your own manly/womanly self, can be as totally, without a doubt, MESSED UP as I.
I can already feel your little hearts thumping with feverish anticipation! So, without further delay, let the next attempt for establishing a worldwide nation of Ghands user-friendly, easy-to-comprehend guide COMMENCE!
STEP ONE
Have a higher authority to ruthlessly mock.
That’s right! Look at your boss! Ain’t he cute? Take his picture! Or better, paint one! Now scan it in! Place his bulbous head on the body of an infant, because that’s exactly what he is!
Really, they’ll appreciate it. Bosses are people too, you know! They enjoy a good ruckus of clean fun now and again! Hey, an even better idea: Punch that sucker right in the teeth! He’ll be grinning like a content lunatic in minutes.
BUT WAIT, you say, CERTAINLY THERE’S MORE TO YOUR METHODS OF MADNESS? Indeed, you are wise, for my ways of craze (Haha! It rhymes!) never end.
STEP TWO
Eat Toblerone.
NOBODY is capable of fulfilling their greatest visions of cold, hard insanity without this delicious candy (brought to you by the hard-working people of That Place That Isn’t America). It’s just a fact of life!
You’ll be gleaming with heavenly fame in no time.
STEP THREE
Learn the ways of the Jedi.
Yes, indeed... I am a master in the ways of the Force... I have chosen not to reveal it until this moment so that you may be protected from my ultimate power... BUT NOW THE TRUTH IS REVEALED... I MAY CRUSH ALL BENEATH THE FURY OF THE FORCE...
Er...
Well, I, uh... have more powers than that, you know... I’m just a bit rusty with Mind Trick... For instance, I have plenty of TALENT with the art of lightsaber combat!
...
STEP FOUR
Never use the word “beans.”
...
Damn it... I just...
STEP FIVE
Play “Deus Ex” with the gravity set to an extreme low.
You know it... Hopping around like you’re on the moon... Oh, man... There’s no other place to be...
It’s made out of cheese, you know.
The moon is.
We should all go there. ON A FIELD TRIP. To the moon. We can talk to the man there. He lives... get this... INSIDE the moon... OH, MY GOD... How cool would that be...
STEP SIX
Write a movie. Specify that it is to be directed by a monkey in a fez.
You know what they say... “Monkeys make everything cuter.” And dagnabbit, they just do... Except when they’re NASTY monkeys... Because, you know, there are NASTY monkeys, and then there are cute monkeys... And the nasty/cute monkey size ratio, is, like, 8:3...
...
Where are my reading glasses again? Ah, yes, there they are, under the DEATH RAY... I MEAN... Uh, under this... RANDOM DEVICE... which is CERTAINLY not intended for use in my plan for world domination... which does not exist... yes...
...
STEP SEVEN
Create bad excuses for answering fan mail.
Badda-bing.
Hello, Ghand. I was looking at you in prison and I started laughing uncontrolably. Maybe it’s the muppet in my closet. Maybe it’s the (beautiful people) of Fox Networks. Or maybe it’s the Intermission on “Ixnay on the Hombre” by The Offspring. BUT I WANT TO HELP YOU! So this is what I think you should do to get out of prison:
1. Get a copy of the picture I have attached in this mail.
2. Make millions more of the copys of the picture.
3. Put it all around your cell. And I mean all around. There should be NO WALL SHOWING! NONE! NO WALL! BAD EVIL WALL GO BYEBYE!
4. Get down on the floor and break dance.
5. The guards should come by and see you break dancing then look at the walls.
6. Get up and yell “Aaah… intermission!”
7. Repeat step 4.
8. Repeat step 6.
9. Run up to the bars, shake them, and start to ramble on about a random subject.
10. The guards should be utterly baffled by now. This is where you then hit them on the head with a magically produced spork, foon, cow, box, squirrel, rodent, cheese, crouton, or glass of orange juice.
11. The guards should fall on the ground.
12. Take their keys and unlock your cell.
13. Strip down untill your naked.
14. Run through the halls yelling “MOTA! MOTA! MOTA!” (Pronounced Moe-Tah)
15. This should make them hate you so much they’ll throw you out voluntarily.
16. Go to a bar, get plastered, wake up in the gutter, and eat some cheese. YOU ARE FREE!
Congratulations Ghand! You are now free! All I need now is your credit card and you get this and many more amazing “get out of jail” tips from the experts here at Global Chemicals Inc., manufacturer of the Happy Fun Ball (9.99 plus shipping and tax). Good luck, Ghand, and shibby!
~~~~~~~~~~~
~Tyler Durden~
~~~~~~~~~~~
...
You’ve... brought up a painful subject for me... Those beautiful people...
NO! MUST DENY THE URGE... The urge... The URGE to HERBAL...
EGAD! The television is GRIPPING my mind like a VICE! There’s only one thing to do in a situation like this, Tyler...
DISCREETLY DODGE THE TOPIC OF WHY I’M IGNORING YOUR ESCAPE PLAN ENTIRELY!
Dear Ghandaiah,
Fear not, for I have devised a way for you to escape your watery prison! The first thing that you would have to do is tell the guard that there is something in your cell that you need him to take care of. Once he walks in, hit him on the head with your Hammer of Justice (you do still have that lying around, don't you?), and once you've taken his keys, guns, soy food, beer, wine, candy bars mmmmmmm, candy bars..........Oh! Right. Still trying to get you out of prison. Once you get that stuff, put him under the mattress on your bed and leave, locking the door behind you. If one of the cameras see you, use your candy bar to cover the lens in chocolate, (or you could turn it off, but we don't want to make things too easy). Sneak down the hall, take a left, followed by the next three rights, go left again, right, and once you're lost, ask the nearest MJ12 Commando where the submarine bay is. Once he turns ! around, run to the sub bay, use your mad stealth skillz to get past whoever is working there (or bribe them with a candy bar). And ride the sub to freedom. FREEDOM!!
-[D1/2] Talon
Why must you all send me escape plans? It’s really getting hard to come up with new excuses for disregarding them, you know.
Oh... I mean...
HOW BRILLIANT! Yes, why didn’t I think of that! Eheh...
...
*Pretends to die and hopes Talon will go away.*
Ghandaiah u big f00l! the answer has been staring u in the big fat ugly bloated squarish head all this time! the turnips man, the turnips! U know those guys are really smart, specialy Larry, he's the smartest turnip there ever was. If he cant get you out no man/tunip/man with turnips/half turnip man beast can. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HALF TURNIP PEOPLE
*dribble* RUN! RUN!
HOLD THAT LIFT!
THANKS. OMGZ URE ONE OF EM TOO!
/me explodes in a shower of smarties
*ahem* thank god thats all over. Anywyas, where was is, oh yeah the turnips. Larry will get u out in the meantime why not build a theme park? GHAND LAND!
please.
attatched are my entries the the wordsearch and culering book competition from last GG, what do i win?
*Points at author of message.*
You’re insane.
...
CONGRATULATIONS! Here, you win these words. That’s right, just tear them right off the screen. Now glue them to your chest! Excellent, you’re doing swell.
...
You know, the fan base for this article is really rather sad. I mean... It’s all just... escape plans that would obviously never work... Or complete utter nonsense... It’s all, uh, rather depressing...
WHAT AM I SAYING?! I LIKE CAEK!!!
dis be ma plan ta gettya outta dere:
1.use yo superior mussle mass ta break open da dooor.
2.knock da gard unconchiss den stuff hiz body inta da nearist vendin
masheen
3.take his asalet rifel and change da ammo ta "Summon
Ammo20mmFoonLauncher".
4.throe da rifel ta disdrakt any otter gards
5.RON!!!!!!!!!!
dat be all.
-sp@ceman
Step five references “Ron.” This is Ron:
So? What do you want me to do with him? Kill him? I can’t do that... Ron is my friend... Ron and I have been buddies for years...
Then again... You can only love someone so much until you begin to LOATHE THEM ENTIRELY...
Hmm. Look, there are at least three other messages in my inbox.
However...
None of their authors have a hat shaped like a duck. Therefore, none of them will be answered appropriately.
STEP EIGHT
Be like this guy:
Don’t you remember that scene in Return of the Jedi? ...Luke realizes the good in Vader, then slips on the banana peel... It was from that fruit basket Han had sent to Palpatine... The pig just left his TRASH all over the newly-oiled Death Star floor...
*Pokes Trystero curiously, then vomits blood.*
Sorry about that.
Gee, think my recent addiction to Jedi Outcast is obvious in this installment?
TEEHEE... Er...
Freakin’ weirdos...
So there you have it! How to be as crazy as myself in just eight easy steps. I hope you, your children, your children’s children, your children’s children’s children, your children’s children’s children’s children, your children’s children’s children’s children’s children, and your furnace make EXCELLENT use of this BRILLIANTLY written guide... I don’t do this for FREE, you know... Well... Yes I do...
Wow... Look at all the dots... This installment has certainly had plenty of dots...
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