PlanetDeusEx | Features | Articles | Got Ghand 21: Dead in the Water

I hate theatres.

Every time I go to see a movie I wish I was the only one in the theatre. I wish I could just rent out a screen every time I wanted to see something.

People are idiots. They constantly laugh at inappropriate moments and make loud noises. The theatre staff should issue Idiocy Tests on everyone before they give them their tickets. If you fail the test, you get booted onto the street.

I recently went to see The Bourne Identity. There was this moron sitting next to me who kept laughing uncontrollably at serious moments in the movie. I wanted to tear his throat out with a knife. And then there was the woman behind me who kept reading every subtitle out loud, to herself. Jesus. Give me a shotgun.

Anyway, Got Ghand is winding down. No, this isnít the last installment. But yes, weíre very, very close.

One last note: I have a new e-mail address, so if you want to mail me anything it should be sent to, mmkay?

:Begin Transmission:

Iíve been feeling very sick lately. Very sick... MJ12 keeps taking me into small, metallic rooms and probing various orifices of my body with pokey, pokey objects...

So Iíve been hallucinating lately. Oh, I mean, MORE than usual. And thatís a lot, you know? Once I tried to quell the ďhappy visionsĒ by playing Planescape: Torment for several consecutive hours (Read: Do not do). Only ended up thinking my cell was filled with zombies... But not mean zombies... Nice worker zombies... Zombies with tomb-rot eating through their knees... But they still reeked. Because all zombies reek, you know? So I tried to give them sponge baths (READ: DO NOT DO).

They just kept biting my arms and their flesh would just flake off in rotten clumps...

Anyway, I donít like the way things have been going around here... I may be hallucinating but I feel a lot more SANE... And I donít like what itís doing to me...

I am actually typing legibly.

Well, Iím beginning to think my insanity was due to whatever experiments MJ12 has been doing to me this whole time... Now theyíre doing something different... Theyíre no longer able to keep my brain in a state of mush.

Well, and thatís got me thinking about why Iím still here.

I mean, Iíd like to leave. I mean, I WANT to. So why havenít I even, uh, tried? Yet? I donít know. That has to be part of why they were making me so... not... sane... to begin with.

So I immediately called a meeting of all PDX staffers. They chose a meeting place.

Which I could conveniently never reach.

A park.

But then this bear came out and mauled everyone.

And I laughed.

But they DID come up with an escape plan for me. I mean... Of course they did. Theyíre my friends... Right?

Iím dead.

Iím dead in the water.

And Iím going to vomit.

...Wait... Wait a minute... Hmm... Those were, uh... Those were only the active PDX staffers...

Well, except Gwog.

And NathanK.

Well... I mean, he DOES do... Well, he USED TO do the Mailbag. He, uh... I donít really know... What does he do around here? He just kind of... Stands there, and puts small boxes into smaller boxes, and smaller boxes into even smaller boxes... Somehow.

And King Kashue... His articles come out about once every three months... I donít know if you can really call him ďactiveĒ... Nor could you call poor pudding-headed OiNutter ďactiveĒ... Nothing about that poor sod is ďactiveĒ at all.

Okay... So those were only the ďpresently still remaining on the non-retired staffers list on Planet Deus ExĒ staffers.

Except for Gwog. Like I said. Before.

But Gwog doesnít count.

Heís a tree.

Trees arenít people.

Though they do sometimes wear fleece... And try to PRETEND to be people. And then they walk around, and tell jokes... and have tea parties!

But just because they walk around and wear fleece and tell jokes and have tea parties doesnít mean that theyíre actually PEOPLE people. People. Things. With faces. And teeth.

Wait... SANITY! DONíT FAIL ME NOW! ...I have to get out of this HEAP!

I know... Thereís ONE LAST PERSON who can help me. If he canít, then, well...

Ghandaiahís screwed, kids. Yes. Itís true.


Ex-staff-writer of brilliantly brilliant combinations of brilliant words formed into wonderfully brilliant sentences here on Planet Deus Ex... If anyone knows how to lay the SMACK DOWN on a few MJ12 morons, itís Kaigen...

I donít know why itís Kaigen... But it is. The man likes pie. You canít go wrong with that.

I mean, I may disagree with him when it comes to Deus Ex movie casting choices... That Bob Saget would portray JC so well... But still.

:Initiating Correspondence:

Kaigen: Who said that?

Ghandaiah: Who said what?

Kaigen: ď:Initiating Correspondence:Ē... See, it's a joke... with the thing...

Ghandaiah: Yes. We are now initiating the correspondence. But this isnít a correspondence. Kaigen... Iím dying. I have... Advanced... Death............. syndrome.

Kaigen: That's too good, I mean bad. Yeah, bad.

Ghandaiah: Man... You gotta help me... I'm stuck in this prison... I'VE BEEN HERE FOR OVER A YEAR... YOU KNOW WHAT THAT KIND OF CONTAINMENT DOES TO A MAN?

Kaigen: Impotence?

Ghandaiah: Impotence? That thing? With the hats? I can still wear hats. What the hell are you talking about? I'm wearing a hat right now. Why are you talking about hats? Youíre an idiot. Shut up, idiot.

Kaigen: Do you still want me to help you?

Ghandaiah: Help me? What are you talking about? Why did you call me? Uh... Damn. Wait... Is this even a phone? Hmm. It was on my leg. So I tore it off, but now my leg kind of hurts. Is this my foot? Shit.

Kaigen: I think that's your foot. It's got toes.

Ghandaiah: Toes don't equate foot, bub. For example. I have toes on my, uh............................... face.

Kaigen: Is that what those are?

Ghandaiah: What is that now in the where who?

Kaigen: Those... things... on your face. Or are you just going through puberty?

Ghandaiah: My face is perfectly clean. I just washed it. With this bucket. Of flesh water. From when I scrubbed the, uh, zombie horde. Never mind. You wouldn't know them... Theyíre good zombies. Not evil ones.

Kaigen: I think I met them at a party once... Though I've never actually been to a party...

Ghandaiah: HEY! Will you stop chatting and help me out here? I'm missing a God damn leg.

Kaigen: Okay, take this saw, cut off the rest of your body parts...

Ghandaiah: Check.

Kaigen: Then stick them through the bars one by one...

Ghandaiah: Check.

Kaigen: Then when all your parts are out, someone will sew you back together so you can escape!

Ghandaiah: Great! So... Okay.

*Violent sawing noise. Screaming ensues.*

Ghandaiah: Alrighty! Now I'm all apart and am presently typing with my teeth. So, now I... Hmm. I, just... How... the hell am I supposed to do this? I'm in pieces... I can't throw my parts through the bars like this...

Kaigen: What? I thought you had a cellmate.

Ghandaiah: Wait... Crap... There aren't any bars to begin with! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?

Kaigen: You did it to yourself, I just told you to.

*Ghandaiah Sighs miserably.*

Ghandaiah: Okay. That's it. You're leaving. And you're not taking any of my pie with you. Goes to show you what big help PDX IDIOTS are. Stupid bear.

:Closing Correspondence:

Well now what the hell am I supposed to do? Iím in pieces... Iím typing with my teeth! All I can do now is SPIT at the MJ12 troopers and hope I hit Ďem in the EYES!


Well... Thatís it... Iím dead. Iím sick, Iím literally in pieces, and thereís a remote bomb next to me.

Iím about to burn to a CRISP... Like toast burning in the FIERY PITS of a TOO-HOT TOASTER HELL... Itís time for me to suckle on the NIPPLE of DEFEAT, folks...

Oh well... Might as well rummage through the mailbag one last time...
All Hail The Almighty Ghand,
OOHH AAHH guess what? Its another useless escape plan! I consists of steps.

1. Wait
2. Wait more
3. Eat Cheese
4. Say "Quickly Atog, eat them all, eat them all until they are dead."
5. If that doesn't work call Zim (the little green alien on Nick) his # is 1-800-Inv-ade1 and ask to borrow Gir.
6. When Gir arrives tell him that the guards
have cheese and that you can get it for him.
7. When he gets you out get cheese, and a pig, give both to him and tell him to get you out of there.
8. If that doesn't work wait more
9. Call Gateway and have them deliver a computer.
10. Play Deus Ex.

May your email box be filled with interesting escape plans,

The Dark Taco
That is... That is the most beautiful thing I have ever read...

You know, sitting here in a puddle of my own blood... It really puts things into perspective... You guys have been so great, man... And Iíve been... Well, insane, and an idiot... But you know what? Thatís okay. Because I like me the way I am.

Except that Iím... Well. Hacked apart.

But it could be worse!

I could look like what nightmares are made of...

Dear Lord, Iím pissing myself uncontrollably...
I have not seen a new article for some time is time for another. NOW. OR ELSE....OR ELSE I WILL PLAY GRAND THEFT AUTO 3 ON YOUR ASSHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!1111 There will be retribution. or something. That's NOT THE POINT DAMMIT!! There is a point. Your immortal soul will be crushed if I play GTA 3 and use the tank. It's just so......BOOOOOM does not even begin to describe itSO MANY BODIES BLOOD FOUNTANING IN THE AIRAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHyou get the idea. So don't ever even consider thinking about considering thinking about considering THINKING ABOUT EVER EVER EVER STOPPING EVER. BECAUJSE IF U EVER DOI will come to your home. And I will set up a Play Station two. And grand theft auto 3 and I willPLAY AND PLAY AND PLAY UNTIL THE FLAMING CARCASES OF A BILLION KATRILLION POLICE CARS PILE AROUND ME AND THEN I WILL PLAY SOME MOREAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA so don't. just........DON'T please PRETTY HARD TO NOT GIVE UP WHEN YOUíRE IN PIECES ON THE FLOOR, TYPING SLOWLY AND AWKWARDLY WITH YOUR TEETH ON A STAINED KEYBOARD, AINíT IT, JIMMY?

Wait... I heard a noise... What was that?

To Be Continued...

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