**In a raspy, mysteriously powerful voice** Ahh yes, welcome...you have come seeking enlightenment, yes? Seeking the truth of the ages? The
secrets kept from all but The One? The Illumined? This is the right path...but not all is as it seems.
The reality you know will melt away within the light of the truth...yes...you shall see...you shall see.
Within these secret pages you will find illumin...**cough** man that raspy voice is hard on my throat!
I'm going to be hacking up phlem all day!
Well this is it, the very first installment of "The Path to Illumination" !!! **Appropriately grand echo effect,
Trumpets and Fanfare**
Some day, in the far future, you will be sitting around with your great-great-grandchildren (I'm just assuming
that we'll all live a very long time in the future), and you will be telling them about this day. "I remember it
like it was yesterday" you'll say, and then your great-great-grandchildren will look at you with love and affection
in their eyes and say "We've heard this crap before! When are you going to die and leave us our inheritance?!?"...stinking
little bast...where were we? Oh yes, this day. This historic day. What is today anyway? Uh huh, Already?
Oh crap, my car payment's late! **Focus** Ah yes, why am I here?
I am King Kashue...
"Hi King Kashue!"
Uh...yes, hello...
"Hello!"
Stop that...
......
*Stares*
......
*Stares*
......
......
*Stares*
......
*Steals blatantly from Ghandaiah*
.....
Good, now as I was saying, I am here because, in the technical, academic sense, I know "stuff"
(if I'm losing anyone with the fancy words, just raise your hand). With that thought in mind I went to Despot.
I said to him "Despot, I really need an ego boost, could I have an article where I could have people write in,
ask me questions, and then show off how much I know by answering them? My therapist said that it would
be very good for my self-esteem." Despot, in his characteristically eloquent manner responded with "Sure."
(Damn he's eloquent!)
So that's about the summary of the explanation of the gist of the way this article came into being. Let
me now explain how this whole elaborate scheme is going to work. Readers (that's you...I hope) are
invited...nay, challenged to send in questions for me to answer. Every week I'll pick one that I was able
to answer out of my head, and one that I couldn't answer right away and had to research (assuming
anyone can come up with one of those...not likely). I'll answer both questions, and throw in a little bit of
extra information on each of the topics. If you're able to "ask the question I cannot answer" (trademarked
slogan...we're gonna make t-shirts!), you'll be given some "mad props" (I'm not really sure what those are,
but they sure sound tasty).
Now hold on everybody, before you rush to email me your questions, there is a certain type of question
that's going to work the best. Here are the "guidelines" for questions:
It's gotta be in English (not much way around this one, the only other language I can read is Latin)
It's gotta be written in real words (As in "I've gotta be able to figure out what you're asking me", and if you write in l33t, I'll beat you...I'm not kidding...)
I've gotta have some chance at answering it
I've gotta be able to write more than one sentence about it
For example, some good questions would be "Who was the last baseball player to win the triple crown?",
"How many times has Jack Nicholson been nominated for an Oscar?", or "What is the air-speed velocity
of an unladened swallow?" **(see answers at bottom of page).
Some "not-so-good" questions would be "How many fingers am I holding up?", "What's the smell in my basement?" (I don't know, have you accounted for
of your pets and siblings?), "What's this thing on my neck?" (Ewwww.....), or "Why is Ghand like that?"
(No clue, I'm betting on 'grew up under powerlines')...
You can look at it two ways. If you've got a question you've always wanted answered, send it in. Whether
I know it off the top of my head, or have to look it up, you'll get it answered. For the truly brave however,
this is an opportunity to test your mettle. Send in a question, and try to stump me...it won't work, but
at least you won't be a coward like the people who are pretending they've "got a question I've always
wanted answered" (little sissies).
In real life (what?!? This isn't real life?!?!) I'm a professional history student, so if you've really got
brass ones, try and stump me on a history question...If anyone manages to get me on a History question
there will be an extra-special reward for that (hint: it involves a naked goat)...
So what are you waiting for??? (other than the next Got Ghand? installment...) CHALLENGE ME!!!...I dare ya...
One last thing, every week I'm going to have a challenge for you (what, are ya 'fraid?) I'm going to give
a quote, and whoever can guess who said it wins a prize (hint: it involves a naked Ghand...Ghand sez: "Hey, there's NOTHING wrong with frolicking about in one's natural-born birthday suit! Feel that breeze against j00r nekkid skin!" ...)
...Uh (King Kashue desparately tries to get the image of Ghand out of his head)...uh, This quote contest will be called:
**INSERT CONTEST NAME HERE**...
...hmmm...It uh, seems as if we don't have a name for it yet...not to worry, we'll figure it out by next week...promise...
Here's the first quote: "What luck for rulers that men do not think."
If you think you know who said that, let me know.
If you've got extra details on the source of the quote, throw them in. I'm going to break any ties
based on how much "hustle" you guys show in writing your answers. Till next time...
**Answers to questions: Carl Yastrzemski, 10, What do you mean, an African or European Swallow? But, you
already knew that, didn't you...
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