Ahhh yes...the Third Man...yes, I know much about the Third Man...what is it you wish to know?...
well...It's a engaging drama starring Orson Welles full of international intrigue, double crosses,
and plot twists that will leave your head spin...what?...oh, not the movie...the next step in the progression
of man...I um...I know nothing of that...why do you think I know something about that?...no, go away,
I know nothing... ... ...you're not getting that secret, schmuck...what?...no I didn't say anything...
schmuck...
So we're all here again. At least I assume there's someone here other than me...I can't see too well
over the telephone lines, and can't actually tell if anyone's here (soooo lonely...so cold, cold and dark,
it goes on forever...). Well, I'm just going to act as if someone else is here and go on with the show.
We're gonna take some wonderful steps towards illumination today, and it's gonna be a fun, fun time.
So I picked two questions out of a hat, they sorta suck, but who really...uh...rather, I spent a great
deal of time choosing two well thought out and interesting questions for you and I guess now's the time
to answer them (as crappy as they are). As always if you've got any new questions
send them to me. Maybe you will be the first to Ask the
Question I Cannot Answer (TM)...probably not though...schmuck...
The first question this week comes from Sneek. He asks:
Who fought at Carrhae, and what was the fate of the losing side's general?
Well, this one wasn't that hard (sorry Sneek), if you wanna get me on a history question, it'll take a lot
more effort than this. While this wasn't a difficult question, it is a really fun one. This is a famous battle
of antiquity, and has got to be one of the most gruesome stories around.
In the mid 1st-century B.C. (none of that politically correct BCE garbage) the Roman Republic was
moving fast towards collapse. The Senate as a whole was losing its grasp on political power, and the "rule" of
powerful individuals, most often generals, was quickly becoming the order of the day. By the 70s & 60s
three men in particular had come to the fore of Roman politics. The three men were Gaius Iulius Caesar,
Marcus Licinius Crassus, and Gnaeus Pompeius (also known as Pompey the Great). These three men
formed what is known as the First Triumvirate (though it wasn't called that at the time), coming
together out of mutual interest (read: need). In a nutshell Caesar was talented but broke; Crassus was
rich (I mean mega-rich) but not the greatest general, and Pompey was exceedingly popular, but much
of his reputation was "all sizzle and no steak."
Crassus had a great jealousy of the other two (especially Pompey, who had screwed him out of some
major fame earlier on) and in the mid-50's BC, desperate
to prove his skill and valor, he lead a Roman army to campaign in the East. In the course of this
campaign (in 53 BC) he fought against the Parthians at Carrhae. Crassus' army was made up primarily of
Roman foot soldiers (approx. 38,000 troops) and a small contingent of Gallic cavalry. The Parthians had
a small, but more maneuverable, force, focused upon their cavalry. During the course of the battle, the Parthian
center continually withdrew, drawing Crassus forward. As I said, Crassus was not the most talented
general, and he realized too late that he was overextended. The Parthians collapsed on his troops, and
they were slaughtered. Both Crassus and his son were killed at Carrhae, and his son's head was placed
on a spear and paraded in front of the remaining Roman troops. Crassus however, suffered an even more
humiliating fate. He was decapitated and his head was delivered to the Parthian King. Reputedly, the
Parthian King poured molten gold down Crassus' throat, mocking the wealth he sought after in life, and
then his head was used as a prop in a production of Euripides' drama The Baccae. Nasty, neh?
Thanks again to Sneek for asking that question, I love telling that story.
Okay, the second question this week, and the one I had to research comes from PDX's very own Ghandaiah
(I'm not sure why he's ours...I assume his family didn't want him). Ghand asked me:
What is the average lifespan of the "ganoderma applanatum" mushroom?
First of all, let's make it clear it's Ganoderma...not Ghandoderma...but here's the
answer anyway...
The ganoderma applanatum is not technically a mushroom, but rather a "shelf fungus", so called
because of the way that it grows upon tree stumps and logs. The ganoderma can grow to diameters
of over two feet and can live for over 50 years. Here's a picture (the whole "shelf" thing will make more
sense)...
That's a big freaking fungus! The ganoderma is also known as "Artist's Conk". This is because the
white skin of the fungus can be scraped away, revealing various shades of brown underneath. Talented
artists are able to make all sorts of "purdy picktures"...Below is a conk (that's just a fun word...conk...could say it all day...)
by Nancy Korslin of the Wisconsin Mycological Society.
Now, I don't know about you, but anyone who can turn a big fungus into something that pretty is tops in
my book. Conk!...I mean I tried to work with a can of the "Pennsylvania Dutchman
Mushroom Stems and Pieces" that I found in my cupboard...no art...just a big mess...
CONK!
sorry...I'll quit it...
Normally, I would salute the person who asked the "question I had to research", but I'm still pissed at
Ghand for not following through on naming the quote contest last week, so screw 'em...(plus, I think he
stole my cheese...I can't prove it...yet...but I will...)
CONK!
Speaking of, it's time to announce the winner of his week's quote contest...Now, I thought this was
going to be harder than last week, but I had a correct answer within like 4 hours of posting the article, but,
that person didn't put forth much extra effort, so this week's winner is The Prophet
who correctly identified the quote as being said by G.K. Chesterton. The Prophet also provided me with
birth and death years, a couple of other quotes, and a short C.V., including his work The Man Who
Was Thursday (the Deus Ex connection I mentioned). Well done Prophet, your "Naked Ghand" will be
to you as soon as we get him back from last week's winner...maybe we should have thought this out a little
more...we might need to work out a schedule or something...I'll figure something out...
A correct (but non-winning answer) was sent in by Tor Valeur who, as part of his email, told me
I don't want a "Naked Ghand", I would much prefer a "Naked Despot"
Thanks for the (exceedingly disturbing) honesty Tor, and you'll be happy to know that I passed that
on to Despot. He told me to instruct you to stay at home for a while and in a little bit you'll hear a
knock on your door...that will be the police. They're going to arrest you and charge you with stalking.
One piece of advice? Don't resist, that mace can be nasty...
With that out of the way, it's time for lockdown here on the ward (If I'm good I get Jell-O) which means
it's time for this week's quote contest. After last week's fiasco with Ghand I decided to try someone who's
sane...at least more than Ghand...which means anyone who wears pants when they go to 7-11...and, as
luck would have it, Kaigen just barely qualifies (Yea Kaigen!!! Way to wear pants in public!!!) So, here is
the new "Kaigen-riffic" title for the quote contest...
**INSERT CONTEST NAME HERE**
Biscuits and Gravy! Where is it?!?
What?...an email?
He sent an email...that's nice...well, what does it say?
Very Busy...uh huh...week or two more...mmm yeah...He's really sorry...well at
least he's "sorry"...
What can the guy be busy with? He hardly remembers to wear pants when he goes outside! What kind
of pressing business is on his plate?!?
Again, sorry for the lack of a title...If this keeps up I'm gonna phone my Grandmother and have
her name the darn thing and it's gonna end up being the "Well Isn't That Nice, could you hand me my
teeth, Quote Contest" and I don't think anyone wants that...Jeez, I've gotta lie down...here's this
week's quote...
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung...
RSS Feeds
