*King Kashue stumbles into the article, scruffy bearded, bruised, with worn clothes*
Whew...that was brutal...*takes a deep breath*...I have returned from places untold, having seen with
my eyes that which was never intended for men to see (like the Pringles factory is Secaucus...There
wasn't a potato in the whole place...What do they make the things out of?!?)...*takes another deep breath*...Do you
remember the part in the Fellowship of the Rings? Where Gandalf goes down into the center
of the world with the Balrog? Down, down, and down again, before returning in a long and arduous
journey?...*pause*... yeah...My journey was nothing like that...
You see, I was touring the east coast on a Harley and we got lost...We stopped in Breezewood, PA
and I took a bathroom break...When I got back the biker I was hitching with, this tall blonde named Tina
who...uh, never mind...anyway, when I got out of the bathroom she had been arrested by the Breezewood
police...Evidently, she and an accomplice went on a 13 state crime spree, tearing the labels off of
mattresses for which they were not the end consumer...It took me 3 hours to convince the cops that I
wasn't her accomplice, a man named "Bill Cutter" (obviously an alias...and a poor one at that), who the
cops described as "Obsessively paranoid about minute and relatively unimportant dangers"...When it
became apparent to the police that I was not obsessively paranoid, but was in fact Mysteriously
Powerful™, I was released...*pause*...On second thought, that's a pretty crappy reason for a mysteriously
powerful fellow like me to have been delayed...Forget all of that...Let's just say that I was fighting a war
or something...Maybe questing for an ancient treasure...yeah, that's good...ancient treasure...let's go
with that...
Actually, I had finished this installment last month and was about to post it when I read Ghand's
anniversary edition and went into convulsive seizures for a couple of weeks...it took me three days just
to clean up the drool off of the carpet...*pause*...Anyhoo, on the subject of Ghand, is it just me, or is
he getting really nuts...I mean, more than before...That boy's not right in the head...Forget time zones,
he's not even on the same planet as sanity...We're gonna have to start talking in astronomical measures...
Parsecs away from being coherent, and so on...As for the reason for the delay (the second reason, not
the first), if you don't buy it, I've got some others...
I forgot...
My dog ate the article...
Señor Snifflebritches tied my shoelaces together so I couldn't walk to my computer...then he went
out to get some rotisserie chicken...
I had to scrape the barnacles from Gwog's lifejackets (and...other...stuff...*shiver*)...
I was watching the Glen Campbell Goodtime Hour...(on TNN...The National Network)...
I did finish the installment on time...and you didn't even notice!...This is just like that time I got a
new hairstyle...*sob*...I need some ice cream...and you're gonna be sleeping on the couch tonight!!!
Questions...uh, yes, you have a question? I have a question? I don't have a question...Oh, yeah
the questions for the article, right...I knew that's what you were talking about...I was just testing you...
Yes, so, to do this article, I need your questions, so if you've got any new questions send them to me.
The first question this week *cough* comes from Aliera E'Keiron, who asks
How can black holes pull in light if light has no mass?
That a pretty simple question in one regard, and a really stinkin' difficult on on another...I think that
I may have mentioned this as part of my rant on experts who talk out of their butts
assume an unwarranted tone of authority about matters that are uncertain...The easy part of the answer
is that gravity effects light because light possesses the properties of both waves and particles...In other
words, in some ways light acts like any other energetic form and is unaffected by certain natural forms,
but in other ways, response to gravity among them, light acts like a particle...What this effectively
means is that light is affected by gravity...Here's a picture to demonstrate:
Uh...well, that didn't work that well...Uh...back to the question, the hard (read: impossible) to answer
part is the "why"...Why does light exhibit both wave and particle properties? Answer: I don't know...
No one does...It's like asking why gravity works (which if I remember correctly, you actually did in
another question...well, two birds with one stone)...We know how gravity works, but we don't know
why...But, you only asked "how", so I'm not required to even try to answer the why...
(it's in my contract...you can check it out)...
Okay, one down, one to go...The second question comes from one of the stalwart members of the Deus
Ex modding community (starving artists all), Phasmatis...Phas asked me
What percentage of the human brain is used at one time?
This is a good question, and one that there is a lot of misinformation floating about...Most people have
probably heard the "Human's only use 10% of their brain" statement at some point...The problem with
that statement is that it's utter crap...a steaming pile of the first degree...The 10% statement was
evidently invented by proponents of psychic abilities, such as spoon-bending con-man Yuri Geller, as
"evidence" that that "other 90%" is where psychic abilities dwell...But, as I said, this isn't true. Every
method that we have to measure neural activity shows that humans use nearly every part of their brain
at one point or another. How much is used at once depends on what you're doing...Watching TV engages
less than listening to music, which uses less than "multitasking" (e.g., writing strictly metered poetry while
listing to Mahler's 5th symphony), etc...The more complex and varied the activity, the more of the brain
will be used to accomplish it...
Congrats Phas (who happens to work on The Nameless
Mod *coughfreeplugcough*), for asking the question I had to research, I salute you!!!
And now to the section with "special" questions, asked by "special" people, like "Special Fred" (it's
a song by comedian Stephen Lynch...hilarious guy...went to Western Michigan University...GO
BRONCOS!!!), This week's *cough* "special" question comes from Admiral Justin. He asked:
What is the spork and why can't I have one?
Well, a spork is a magical and mystical utensil, which mysteriously combines a fork and a spoon...
Legend has it that the first spork was forged within the fires of Barad-dur, the Mountain of Doom, and
that it was imbued with the power of the Dark Lord himself...One spork to rule them all...One spork
to find them...One spork to bring them all...And...Huh?...Not Barad-dur? Lord of the Rings again?
Hmmm...where'd the first spork come from then?...Lunch lady in Cleveland...Wart on her chin? Yeah...I don't
need to know that...okay, thanks...Well Admiral, evidently Sporks aren't all that mystical and you can
acquire them from any cafeteria supply wholesaler...
More article huh?...Well, okay...I gotta stop adding crap to this thing...I'm wheezing by the end...gotta
pull out the rowing machine more often...Okay, now's the time for the
GET SOME FREAKIN' CULTURE!!!
Corner
This week I have a selection from one of my favorite poets, Langston Hughes...Hughes wrote in the middle
of the 20th century and was a colossal literary figure, providing a National voice for many segments
of the population that would otherwise have been unheard. This is perhaps his most famous poem:
The Negro Speaks of Rivers
I've known rivers:
I've known rivers ancient as the world and older than the
flow of human blood in human veins.
My soul has grown deep like the rivers.
I bathed in the Euphrates when the dawns were young.
I built my hut near the Congo and it lulled me to sleep.
I looked upon the Nile and raised the pyramids above it.
I heard the singing of the Mississippi when Abe Lincoln
went down to New Orleans, and I've seen its muddy
bosom turn all golden in the sunset.
I've known rivers:
Ancient, dusky rivers.
My soul has grown deep like the rivers
Dang that's good...Now to announce last week's *cough* quote contest winner...NO ONE!!!...Yes,
No one correctly answered Aristotle...
That's right, correct answer: Aristotle...Philosopher, historian, scientist, empiricist, and teh masta of the
mad dialectic...Aristotle...
That's probably a good thing, because in the time I was gone the Naked Ghand™ evidently escaped and
ran amok, randomly playing songs from Celine Dion's new album in public places...It's not a pretty episode...
You don't even want to know what happened on the Empire State Building Observation Deck...*shiver*...
However, we do have a winner in the "Better Late than Never" category: Gijs (the crazy Dutchman)
who answered "Hitler"...*pause*...right answer...wrong year...
On to this week's quote contest...oops, forgot to cough after "week", my bad...I honestly had a name
for the quote contest all figured out and was bringing it back when it got...uh...lost...You see, Tina,
the biker in the story that didn't happen, well she was popping wheelies on her motorcycle (despite the
fact that her contract with the San Francisco Giants expressly forbade riding a motorcycle...Baseball joke...
if you don't get it, don't worry)...where was I...Oh yeah, she was riding on her motorcycle when she
ran over a pickle...this wouldn't have been a huge problem, except that was in a police officer's hand at
the time...Anyhoo, this was while I was in the bathroom, and, long story short (Too late), the cops are
keeping the new title as evidence...Except that didn't happen, and I've been doing something else...
what did we say?...Oh yeah, ancient treasure...right...Anyway, here's a familiar sight:
**INSERT CONTEST NAME HERE**
Yeah, that's nice...can't even get a different color or something...maybe some Christmas lights...This
week's quote is a famous one:
"Carpe Diem"
If you know who said that (hint, it's not Robin Williams), let me know.
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