Once, a long time ago, a dark, sinister shadow fell over the land. It loomed across the landscape, over the mountains, on the border of the peaceful world, luminous in its path, leaving a wake of evil and destruction. But then, a light broke through. The storm cleared, and the people rejoiced. They no longer felt the forlorn emptiness of the storm.
What am I talking about? The lack of Got Ghands, of course! Everyone knows how utterly barren this site is without Got Ghand!
So, finally, after a long, long time, here’s the next Got Ghand. I have reasons for neglecting my writings for so long (school and modding/mapping, really), but alas! I am here again to quench the furious outcries of netizens across the globe!
Final note before we get going: Got Ghand is going to start getting a lot shorter. I can’t keep pumping out massively long articles like the past few Got Ghands have been. You’ll likely start to see three, two, even one letter per week on occasion, such as this week. Send it in, or keep on walkin’, or somethin’.
:Begin Transmission:
One word: Ha!
I’m sure most of you are familiar with staff writer’s Kaigen’s most recent endeavor in the editorial realm, because you’re all obviously hardcore fans of his tense, breath-taking, edge-of-your-seat tales he pumps out on a daily basis, much like none other than the greatest of all great writers, R.L. Stein, “Goosebumps” author. How I wish to write as well as he! The vivid description! Pinch me, for I must be asleep!
...Ahem.
Whilst Kaigen's article was the most creative, well-thought piece of writing I’ve ever stumbled upon during my hourly searches for gerbil pr0n means of escape, I must say, I don’t agree with his ideas for a Deus Ex movie AT ALL! The man is a raving lunatic! JAIL HIM BEFORE HE SLIPS THE ENTIRE DEUS EX COMMUNITY INTO AN UNESCAPABLE STATE OF INSANITY! ToooooooooooOOOoOOooo the ASSSSSSYLUMMMmmmMMm NO! I WON’T GO BACK!
*Falls over, whacks head on floor, gets back up, brushes self off, proceeds as if nothing ever happened.*
Yes, I have set up my own version of what I believe a Deus Ex movie should be like. I’ve done everything from setting up a plot, to creating a more appropriate cast list, to drawing detailed sketches of how the movie would play out!
Observe. Here is my masterly sketch of the intro credits / title sequence.
Note the musical tunes scrawled up above to perfectly simulate the musical and sound experience of such a dramatic opening to such a dramatic piece of film. It’s a hit already.
Now, obviously, the star of the movie would be that annoying dolt who still hasn’t found the time to break me out of this hellhole, regardless of the fact he’s already been here, INTERVIEWED BY ME, as I practically BOWED DOWN AND KISSED HIS VERY BOOTS OF WISDOM. Here is my artist’s rendition of JC Denton, before my role is introduced into the film.
Such the perfect little agent, what with augmented vision and such things. But the truth behind the hero is an UGLY ONE, no doubt. JC IS NOT A NICE MAN. He shaves the wool of sheep for pleasure! So then, my character, noticing how such evils should be vanquished, bravely rushes into the scene, “eliminating” the problem.
Of course, JC was never smart enough to recognize the entire plot of corruption and greed growing slowly in the background of the game. If he would have figured such things out at the beginning, it could all be ENDED before it BEGAN. But nooo, instead, the little FOOL had to jump around, like he was Neo or SOMETHING, showing off his MOVES just for the sake of showing off his MOVES! BAH TO THAT! Get to the source of the problem and put an end to it all, I say! So that’s when I brilliantly burst into Manderley’s office and BURN THE ROOTS! BURN THEM! FIRE!
Notice where I placed my aim! Now the poor sap, Manderley, can’t reproduce, and continue his reign through children of the damned. That was OBVIOUSLY the problem since the beginning of the game!
And that closes our story of heroism, deceit, power, and adventure. Bravo! Two thumbs up! I can sense the critics raving over my works already! The audience’s loins shall shiver with anticipation of such a majestic production!
But wait! A brilliant movie needs a brilliant cast. So I have taken the time to compile this list of the best actors suited for their parts. It’s already blatant how much BETTER my list is than that KAIGEN sap’s.
Er... As I was saying, this cast is sheer perfection. Now I can show all of my plans to the local movie production company, and WHAMMO! The Deus Ex movie will probably already be underway once you read this very article! And Kaigen thought he had it all figured out. Let’s see him get someone as talented as Renny Harlin to direct a smash hit like this. NEVER!
Well, now that I’ve blown all my article time on things you don’t care about, and all of the letters in my inbox for Got Ghand are weeks old (but you're all idiots, anyway. I mean... cool! You're all, uh, cool! Yeah!), I'll just throw one in that whoever wrote will be either A) surprised to see because it's so old or B) confused because he won't even remember writing it. But oh well.
Oh yes. They thought he got married at a KFC after finally escaping Black Mesa. The mid-west has got tons more ownage in terms of conspiracies than the rest of the world, believe you me. Or rather, believe Him. Yes, Him. No, not the man with the mysterious suitcase, nor that unknown scientist who purportedly saved Black Mesa from alien invasion. Fah! No...you know of whom I speak. None other than Wally, aka. Walter, of Walter's World, of Planet Half-life! Bwuhahhahahahahah *cough, cough*- ahem- wuhahahahahahaah! Sure, Deus Ex is better than Half-life, and Deus mods are sprouting faster than horny headcrabs in cramped ventilation tunnels. But, but...well, damn that *is* a good arguement for Deus. Oh well. No- no- wait I'm back on track now: Got Ghand? Bahahaaaha! Got Ghand? That has nothing to Wally's World, the original take-a-character-from-a-game-world-and-trap-him-somewhere-and-give-him-his-own-column column. Oh yeah. Wally's going to visit upon you his mighty, rippling muscles of scientific doom, oh yes. Right after he figures out how to construct better augmentations that yours. Oh yes...
T. Ryan.
(PS: I'm a big fan of Deus, of course, waiting for Team-Fortress II and Deus 2 and all, just wanted to send in something
hopefully funny.)
You INSULT me, sir! There are many differences between that dingbat Walter's article and mine! First of all, our speech patterns are completely different! Isn't that obvious? And we both have completely different personalities! You must be in awe of my masculine physique! ...This prison needs some members of the fairer sex, no? I enjoy a good Rammstein! ...ARGH! No! The Walter vibes are perssssSSsSssuUUUAAAaaADING mmmMMMMEEEEE ACK! STOP ATTACKING! HE'S A FRIEND! Dear God! Half-Life is going to ki-
*thud*
:Dingbat?:
Thanks much to Kaigen, who oh-so-nicely cooperated with me in creating a good lot of the joke cast list in this article, only to be mocked and verbally abused without his knowledge. Huzzah!
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