Okay, kiddies. You heard the man. I’ll be your host this evening, and no matter what you might attempt to say (though it will surely come out as a strand of blubbering garbage, given your lack of a brain), you are, in fact, inferior. Also, you should take note that you are not me, and therefore cannot be taken seriously. Now, let’s open some letters, eh?
{MESSAGE BEGINS}
Hi how are you?
I send this file for your advice!
Thanks!
{MESSAGE ENDS}
Commando
Eh? What if I don't want to receive your damn file? It's probably something sick or demented that only a brain like yours could conjur up, you freakin' weirdo. Stop breathing on me, stop sending me mail - hell, stop existing. Or, if that's too difficult for your to wrap your head around, just use whatever leftover braincell you might have in your head before you try to pull this crap next time. Oy.
Dear Ghandaiah:
I have found this perfect escape plan for you in the
{Idiot's Guide of Excaping from an Underwater MJ12
Prison an complete world domoination}, along with some
vital information.
--+--[Escape Plan Alpha]--+--
Steps:
1. Order another pizza with the "special" mushrooms.
2.*screems out in pain* Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! no never, i
will not, iiittttt hhuuurrrrttttttssss! so much.
my my brain is controlled from space. Must not
tell........ WHY MEEEE AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
*Wraps head in tin foil(shiny side up)*
AH fine, it's the orbital mind control lazers, they
control my mind. They want me to tell you classified
information. I will never! Ha Ha Ha YOu wIll hAVe 2
rOt iN PrIsOn 4 All i caRE.
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Not again!1!!!11!!!1
wHY mE?
So, back to step 2, and no, I am in perfect health.
2. Give pizza to *sniper's shot hits him in head*
soo, 2. give pizza to ahhhhhhhhhhh *dies*
Ooooh, boy...
I’m going to give you a few quarters. Use them to call someone who’s sane. Maybe sanity’s contagious. Who knows? Either way, you currently have problems, sirrah. AND THEY NEED SOLVING. I have methods - Like taking a sledge hammer to your face - But I don’t know if such things would be appreciated around here. Besides - I’ve probably already pissed everyone off enough by not including any pictures in this section of the article. You want something pretty to look at? Tough. You won’t get any shiny pictures here, you friggin’ idiots.
OMG!!! I SAW A MANDOG!!
That’s nice. As much as I’d like to drop a refrigerator on your head, I think I’ll refrain for now.
What? That’s friggin’ it? Three damn letters? God, Ghand, you receive less mail than I thought. You really are a loser. I mean, you’ve been writing here for a year, you’re STILL trapped in your God damn cell, people send you escape plans - though admittedly moronic escape plans - for every installment, and you’re STILL dumb enough to not have escaped by now?
...
...Ghand? Hello?
Okay. I’m leaving. You guys suck.
...
...
...
...
*Long, awkward pause.*
...
...
I never did get out of that closet.
I’m still in there now. Typing away at a computer terminal I fashioned from my own byproducts.
I can’t really see anything. It’s dark in here.
Is this my coat? Wait, I... Don’t wear a coat...
This coat is wet.
Oh, this-...
OH.
This must be the one I urinated on...
You know... When a man is locked in a closet... basking in a puddle of his own urine... He has time to think about the things that really matter... Think about how his articles would probably be a lot more interesting if they, you know, had plots, and maybe made sense, and stuff... Think about death... Hey, I could die in here... Actually, I am dieing in here.
That’s right, folks.
Ghandaiah is approaching death.
I only have three minutes to live.
Before I pass out, and slip off into the oblivion, I’d just like to say that... you’ve all been so good to me over the course of this article... And when it comes down to it, you readers are the ones who keep it going... Man... I love you guys.
So. That’s that. Now I just get to sit down and wait... Hmm...
I wonder what I would like to be doing during the last seconds of my life...
Maybe playing Daikatana... Or worshipping pictures of Warren Spector... Maybe waiting for that... special someone... that special, hairy someone... Hmm... I think I’ll grow a back beard... maybe braid my armpit hair... Gel that nostril fuzz...
Oh, I’m... not alone, am I?
Oh well.
My time is up now.
I’d just like to say...
Goodbye.
...
*Ghand slumps over in the closet.*
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Hey! A quarter!
I think I shall use it on the vending machine.
*Simply stands up and opens the closet door.*
*Walks over to vending machine. Puts the quarter in. Presses the button for “Chocolate-Covered Karkian Chunks.” The machine thuds, makes a loud grinding noise, begins to deposit the selection... and then stops.*
...
Y-...
...
*Ghand violently shakes the vending machine several times. Nothing happens.*
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