Yep. This is it, folks. One whole year. Thought you’d never see the day, eh? Thought ol’ Ghand couldn’t do it? But he did. AND NOW HE’S GUNNA STORM INTO YOUR HOME WITH A 12-GAUGE AND SHOW THEM ALL WHO’S DADDY!
*Ahem.* Excuse me.
Send mail. And always remember to forget remember to forget remember to forget remember to forget remember to forget remember to forget remember to forget remember to forget remember to forget remember to forget remember to forget remember to forget remember to forget...
:Begin Transmission:
Egads!
This is one big episode! Though surely my bicep size dwarfs it in comparison, it’s still really, really big! Well... Not really BIG, like, in LENGTH or SIZE...
*Snicker...*
But, like, BIG like in IMPORTANT... Well, and kinda really long, too, I guess... If you’re a gambling man... Doo-doo-doo... Ahahaha... Hmm?
Read some of it now. Read some more tomorrow! And then finish it off at your wedding, when you should be standing at the altar!
Why?
Because this episode marks ONE YEAR OF GOT GHAND!
That’s right. I’ve been dwelling in this underwater prison for one long ridiculous year. I’ve been uploading my articles to this site on occasion, collecting a total sum of 18 by now. 18! I’ve been here for 18 installments of sheer insanity! What, in God’s name, was Gwog thinking?!
SO! You’ll find LOTS of stuff to look, sneeze, chew, scream, and vomit at in this mighty package. And when I say “mighty package” I’m referring to my... never mind.
SO! WHAT, you might raise a finger to the heavens and ask, IS IN STORE FOR ME TODAY? We have the brilliantly created flash movie, we have interviews with several well-known figures from Deus Ex, we have several Got Ghand related... "games"... and we have our usual fan mail, brilliantly designed picture library, and other such insane ramblings... Oh, and the fish.
SO! Without further ado, let’s get on to our FIRST feature of this smashing event: The second ever exclusive interview with... THE MAN HIMSELF...
:Begin Recording:
[Ghandaiah] Do I look fat in this dress?
[JC] What?
[Ghand] Oh, we’re on? Oh. HELLO! This is the interview. JC, I gotta tell you... I can’t believe you actually came back for another one.
[JC] Neither can I.
[Ghand] I’m sure. Have you been reading much of my article?
[JC] Which?
[Ghand] The-... You know, Got Ghand.
[JC] Oh. Right. The one that’s a year old?
[Ghand] Yes. That’s what we’re going to talk about in this interview.
[JC] I see. Is this why I was created? This is why I exist, isn’t it.
[Ghand] To merge with Helios?
[JC] No. To make sandwiches.
[Ghand] Hey, buddy, we discussed that in our last interview. You don’t actually -make- them. You -steal- them with your Run Silent augs.
[JC] Actually, it’s not plur-
[Ghand] DON’T TRY TO DENY IT, BOOBSUIT!
[JC] But I only have one aug, it’s not-... ...You-... ...Did you just call me a “boob suit?”
[Ghand] Eh, no.
[JC] You didn’t?
[Ghand] Of course not. Hey, we’re going to conduct the rest of the interview through sock puppets.
[JC] That’s ridiculous.
[Ghand] Oh, sure, ALWAYS THE CONTROL FREAK...
[JC] I’m sorry, but this is already getting weird.
[Ghand] You have no weird threshold. You really need to learn how to soak in the insanity. Like a sponge. Be a sponge, JC. A BIG SPONGE. I’m going to make you a suit out of sponges. You like zombies?
[JC] Zombies? I... don’t know. Th-
[Ghand] You don’t know? Jesus, JC, and you’re supposed to be the action hero. How the hell can you not like zombies?
[JC] I’ve never really thought about it.
[Ghand] Well maybe you SHOULD. Tonight when you CRY YOURSELF TO SLEEP.
[Ghand] Remember, kids. It’s just not worth watching if Kevin Sorbo isn’t in it.
[JC] Who? You’re very strange.
[Ghand] As a matter of fact, I am. Why else would I make flash movies like this one?
[JC] You know what I never understood?
[Ghand] What’s that?
[JC] All the guards I’ve ever killed or knocked unconscious or snuck past all seem to have A.D.D. What’s with that? They stumble across a dead body, look at it for a few seconds, and then go back to picking their nose.
[Ghand] I know what you mean.
[JC] No you don’t.
[Ghand] I have a zombie drummer.
[JC] I don’t care.
[Ghand] I enjoy playing Frisbee with him in the park.
[JC] That’s nice.
[Ghand] Some day I’m going to teach my zombie not to consume all the tasty pedestrians along the sidewalks while I take him for walks so that I don’t have to put him on a leash any more.
[JC] My vision is augmented.
[Ghand] But I worry about my zombie. Will the other zombies be nice to him? Will he be bullied in zombie school?
[JC] Are you listening to me?
[Ghand] Pretty soon, my zombie would be all grown up, and go off to zombie college... And then he’d go off into the BIG SCARY ZOMBIE WORLD... They just grow up so fast...
[JC] *Turns on invisibility aug.*
[Ghand] ASSHAT!
[JC] *Snickers.*
[Ghand] Wait a minute... Hey... HEY! YOU’RE NOT JC! JC ISN’T CAPABLE OF LAUGHTER!
[JC] I... uh... Well, the thing about that... is... I... was going to the dry-cleaners.
[Ghand] ...That’s it?
[JC] Yeah. But they lost my suit. My boob suit.
[Ghand] I... see. Well, that explains everything.
[JC] *Reappears in the chair.*
[Ghand] One fonkey to rule them all.
[JC] Hmm?
[Ghand] One fonkey to find them.
[JC] What is a fon-
[Ghand] One fonkey to bring them all... and in the FONKNESS, BIND THEM!
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