"The Eleventh Hour Draws Near...So Begins the Link-a-rama"
*King Kashue walks into the article wearing a gas-mask* Well, I can get rid of that thing...I can't believe
how bad it smells down there...Oh, sorry, there is a story to be told...A story of my perilous journey
through the
SigTest! and
Site Comments forums to retrieve some of my belongings stolen by a lil' pisher of a
grenade climbing fewsal that moderates those forums...It seems he was trying to sell a bunch of my
stuff at a garage sale at his house...Well, I ran into a number of problems, the first being that this lil' pisher,
who shall remain nameless, lives in the magical kingdom of Mega-chin, and on the west side of this state...
uh, kingdom...there's a lot of pigs and rusted out 1964 Plymouth Grand Fury IIIs but absolutely no
garages...Not surprising, considering they only mastered indoor plumbing four years ago...Any way, I
never did find this mythical garage sale and ended up in the
SigTest! and
Site Comments forums, which is evidently where the inhabitants of Western Michig...uh, Mega-chin,
did their...um, you know..."business"...before getting indoor plumbing four years ago...Needless to say, all
I found down there, in the bowels of the
PlanetDeusEx Forums was a near death experience and one doozy of a dry cleaning bill (you can't
just machine wash mysteriously dashing clothing...Almost everything is dry clean only...)
So now you know where I was...Of course, that only took a week or so...The rest of the time I spent
getting coffee enemas at a
resort in Thailand...*pause*...that was too much information...wasn't it...
Moving on, we have the business of the Lord of the Rings contest from
Installment #8...The winner (also known as the guy who came the closest to a coherent answer)
was MadMax2050 who correctly guessed that the "Eighth Age of Man" in the title of that installment
was linked to the Ages of the Sun in J.R.R. Tolkien's Middle Earth...MadMax also provided a nice little
summary of the Ages covered in Tolkien's writings...Here's a quote from Tolkien taken from
The Encyclopedia of Arda, an astonishingly deep resource on Tolkien's Middle Earth...Writing in 1958,
Tolkien wrote:
"I imagine the gap [between the Fall of Barad-dûr and modern times] to be about 6000 years;
that is we are now at the end of the Fifth Age, if the Ages were of about the same length as Second Age and
Third Age. But they have, I think, quickened; and I imagine we are actually at the end of the Sixth Age, or
in the Seventh."
So, MadMax, here is your prize for winning the contest: Your very own PDX T-Shirt...Jpg...
There we are...wasn't that exciting?...*sigh*...man, my life is going nowhere... hmmm?...Despot?...
I need to pep it up?...He's rampaging, you say?...Like a Bull Elephant?...Oh dear...I mean, here we are again, ready for another
enthusiastic and not-at-all-disgusted-by-you-seething-unwashed-masses step down
the Path to Illumination. As always, I need questions from people, so if you've got any new questions
send them to me. I'm still waiting for someone to
grow the stones necessary to stump me on a history question... Though If someone had stones that
big, it'd be hard to walk...because stones are heavy...and it's difficult to walk carrying heavy things...
like in the "World's Strongest Man Contests" on ESPN...They've got an event where called the 'Atlas Stones'
where they walk while carrying 300lb. stones...*pause*...What did you think I was talking about?...
you've got dirty mind...
Our first question this week comes from PDX's very own Ghandaiah
(and yes, we're still trying to find out why he's "ours")...He asks,
"What animal were the Canary Islands named after?"
This is a relatively easy question for a historian such as myself...The answer is of course that cute little
yellow animal, sometimes used by miners deep in the ground to detect gas leaks: Dogs...*pause*...That's
right, the Canary Islands are named after dogs...Really stinkin' big dogs in fact...
The name comes from the account of the "Isles of Bliss" (or the "Fortunate Isles") in Pliny the Elders'
Natural History, Book VI, Chapter XXXVII (Book 6, Chapter 37 for those who never learned their
Roman Numerals)...The account follows...
Sunt qui ultra eas Fortunatas putent esse quasdamque alias, quo in numero idem Sebosus etiam spatia conplexus
Iunoniam abesse a Gadibus p. tradit, ab ea tantundem ad occasum versus Pluvialiam Caprariamque; in Pluvialia non
esse aquam nisi ex imbri. ab iis Fortunatas contra laevam Mauretaniae in VIII horam solis; vocari Invallem a
convexitate et Planasiam a specie, Invallis circuitu p.; arborum ibi proceritatem ad CXL pedes adulescere. Iuba de
Fortunatis ita inquisivit: sub meridiem quoque positas esse prope occasum, a Purpurariis p., sic ut supra occasum
navigetur, dein per ortus petatur. primam vocari Ombrion, nullis aedificiorum vestigiis; habere in montibus stagnum,
arbores similes ferulae, ex quibus aqua exprimatur, e nigris amara, ex candidioribus potui iucunda. Alteram insulam
Iunoniam appellari; in ea aediculam esse tantum lapide exstructam. ab ea in vicino eodem nomine minorem, deinde
Caprariam, lacertis grandibus refertam. in conspectu earum esse Ninguariam, quae hoc nomen acceperit a perpetua
nive, nebulosam. Proximam ei Canariam vocari a multitudine canum ingentis magnitudinis — ex quibus perducti
sunt Iubae duo —; apparere ibi vestigia aedificiorum. cum omnes autem copia pomorum et avium omnis generis
abundent, hanc et palmetis caryotas ferentibus ac nuce pinea abundare; esse copiam et mellis, papyrum quoque
et siluros in amnibus gigni. infestari eas belvis, quae expellantur adsidue, putrescentibus.
Gripping, neh...Oh, you'd like it in a language that people actually speak?...No problem...
'Some people think that beyond the islands of Mauretania lie the Isles of Bliss, and also
some others of which Sebosus before mentioned gives not only the number but also the distances, reporting that
Junonia is 750 miles from Cadiz, and that Pluvialia and Capraria are the same
distance west from Junonia; that in Pluvialia there is no water except what is supplied by rain; that the Isles of Bliss
are 250 miles WNW from these, to the left hand of Mauretania, and that one is called Invallis from its undulating
surface and the other Planasia from its conformation, Invallis measuring 300 miles round; and that on it trees
grow to a height of 140 ft. About the Isles of Bliss Juba has ascertained the following facts; they lie in a
southwesterly direction, at a distance of 625 miles sail from the Purple Islands, provided that a course be laid
north of due west for 250 miles, and then east for 375 miles; that the first island reached is called Ombrios, and
there are no traces of buildings upon it, but it has a pool
surrounded by mountains, and trees resembling the giant fennel, from which water is extracted, the black ones
giving a bitter fluid and those of brighther colour a juice that is agreeable to drink; that the second island is called
Junonia, and that there is a small temple on it built of only a single stone; and that in its neighbourhood there is a
smaller island of the same name, and then Capraria, which swarms with large lizards; and that in view from these
islands is Ninguaria, so named from its perpetual snow, and wrapped in cloud; and next to it one
named Canaria, from its multitude of dogs of a huge size — two of these were brought back for Juba —
He said that in this island there are traces of buildings; that while they all have an abundant supply of fruit and of
birds of every kind, Canaria also abounds in palm-groves bearing dates and in conifers; that in addition to this there
is a large supply of honey, and also papryus grows in the rivers, and sheat-fish; and that these islands are plagued
with the rotting carcasses of monstrous creatures that are constantly being cast ashore by the sea.'
Whew!, there ya go...Big dogs (a multitude, in fact), rotting sea creatures and a useless factoid to
whip out at a cocktail party...If you ever attend a cocktail party...do people even have cocktail
parties anymore?...If not, whip it out somewhere else...Just make sure you're not breaking any local
ordinances when you do...
We now come to the research question, I'm all a twitter...(what does that even mean?) This week
*cough* the question comes from StagCraft, a Caption Contest Champion from the hoary mists of
time...That's "hoary", not "whorey"...you've got a dirty mind...StagCraft asks,
"How many countries exist on the continent of Australia?"
I originally thought that this was a "trick question" similar to the Knights of Malta question way back in
Installment #2, but
it turns out that there are in fact two honest-to-goodness countries on the continent of Australia.
There is of course the Commonwealth of Australia,
but there is also something called "The Hutt River Province Principality" resting on that particular continent.
For those of you who remember, there are a few (somewhat disputed) criteria to determine if something
is a country or not. Does the country issue any utilized currency, have territorial holdings, have a
permanent population, have a native economy, and exercise any police powers? In this case, the
answer to all of these is "yes"...(and you thought the answer was "Richard Burton"...shame on you)...
The Hutt River Province Principality, located in western Australia, came into existence in 1970 when
Leonard Casey (now Prince Leonard of Hutt) seceded from the Commonwealth of Australia over a
dispute regarding wheat quotas (those pesky wheat quotas, always causing troubles). Their economy is
evidently based upon Wildflower and agricultural exports, philatelic and numismatic sales (huh?), as well
as tourism. The kingdom occupies around 75 sq. km., which is about the size of Hong Kong and boasts a citizenship of
around 13,000 people. The principality has a standing defense force, as well as issued currency and postage stamps.
Here's a photo of Prince Leonard of Hutt
And here's a map of the location of the Principality
Thanks for a the question StagCraft, I truly love learning useless facts...I'm going to try to get on
jeopardy and you never know what categories are going to come up...For asking the question I
had to research, I salute you!
Our Smartass question comes from Ghandaiah...again...What can I say, we were playing poker and he
put his sister into the pot and I saw the bet and raised him two questions in my article...Stinkin straight
flush...Anyhoo, Ghand, while sputtering gibberish on IRC, asked me,
Why is Gouda considered the best cheese in the world?
He then went on a rant about severing my head and filling it with Gouda...Then I'm pretty sure he
choked on his own tongue and passed out...Or at least that's what it sounded like...I don't think it really
matters...Well, the answer to the question is "Because it is good"...Brilliant, ain't it...For those members
of our readership whose brains have been turned to pudding by the bombardment of inane television
programming (or by the articles written by the less "grounded" members of the PDX community), and
cannot grasp a concept without a picture to help them, I offer these pictures of the wondrous cheese
known as "Gouda"...
Just makes your mouth water...don't it...
Moving right along to the erudite portion of our journey to illumination (No shirt, no shoes, no culture), the
GET SOME FREAKIN' CULTURE CORNER...We have featured poets the last two weeks *cough*, and while the
author of this week's *cough* selection was certainly a brilliant poet, we are featuring a section from
one of his dramatic works...What follows is the opening monologue from William Shakespeare's Richard
III, his chronicle of the life of the despotic Richard of Gloucester...Not necessarily one of his best
dramas overall, but certainly one of the best roles in all of his works...In this scene, delivered by Richard
speaking to the audience, the deformed Duke of Gloucester speaks of his brother Edward's victory in war
and ascent to the throne of England, and of his own plan to turn Edward against their third brother,
George, Duke of Clarence...
Act I, Scene I. London. A street.
Enter Richard, Duke of Gloucester
Richard: Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer by this sun of York;
And all the clouds that lowered upon our house
In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.
Now are our brows bound with victorious wreaths;
Our bruised arms hung up for monuments;
Our stern alarums changed to merry meetings;
Our dreadful marches to delightful measures.
Grim-visaged war hath smoothed his wrinkled front;
And now, — instead of mounting barbed steeds,
To fright the souls of fearful adversaries,—
He capers nimbly in a lady’s chamber
To the lascivious pleasing of a lute.
But I, that am not shaped for sportive tricks,
Nor made to court an amorous looking-glass;
I, that am rudely stamped, and want love’s majesty
To strut before a wanton ambling nymph;
I, that am curtailed of this fair proportion,
Cheated of feature by dissembling nature,
Deformed, unfinished, sent before my time
Into this breathing world, scarce half made up,
And that so lamely and unfashionable
That dogs bark at me, as I halt by them;
Why, I, in this weak piping time of peace,
Have no delight to pass away the time,
Unless to see my shadow in the sun
And descant on mine own deformity:
And therefore, since I cannot prove a lover,
To entertain these fair well-spoken days,
I am determined to prove a villain,
And hate the idle pleasures of these days.
Plots have I laid, inductions dangerous,
By drunken prophecies, libels, and dreams,
To set my brother Clarence and the king
In deadly hate the one against the other:
And if King Edward be as true and just
As I am subtle, false, and treacherous,
This day should Clarence closely be mewed up,
About a prophecy, which says, that G
Of Edward’s heirs the murderer shall be.
Dive, thoughts, down to my soul: here Clarence comes.
There is a gripping delivery of this monologue in Ian MacKellen's
film adaptation of the play...The film is quite good, so long as you're somewhat familiar with the play...
Okay, I'll admit it...The reason that this installment took so long had nothing to do with a pig farmer's
garage sale or coffee enemas in Thailand...It was because of the quote contest...In fact, this week's
*cough* quote contest has caused a myriad of problems here at PDX...It seems that Ghand is the
winner of this week's quote contest, correctly identifying the Roman Poet Horace as the author of the
quote "Carpe Diem", which translates as seize the day (I prefer the translation "Reap the day", but that's
personal preference)...
We did get a few other correct answers but Ghand's was the most complete, and unfortunately I am a
fair and just king (plus there was the poker bet)...Not that it helped, but we also got this answer from..
ahem...MonkeyFat Man..."It was Apostle PAul! The answer is Apostle paul!! What do I win????" (sic)...
Well, you win what's in the box! What's in the box?...*box is lifted*...Nothing!!! Absolutely nothing!!!
Stupid!!! You're so stupid!!! ...Actually, I make no claims to...ahem...MonkeyFat Man's intelligence
(his name already speaks volumes), I really just wanted to use the bit from the classic movie UHF...If you haven't seen it, go do so...but not until you finish the article...Well then,
enough frivolity...Back to the "issue" with Ghand...
You see, the problem came about when Ghand won the "Naked Ghand" as a prize in the quote contest...
since he is Ghand, he decided that his prize was to run around PDX stark naked...the horror...
Everyone here has been hiding under their desks for weeks...NathanKeogh went out for help and we
haven't seen him since...of course, no one has seen him in a long time anyway, because no one sends
letters to The Mailbag...Well,
the show must go on, and we must be brave in trying times...so, uh...Congratulations are in
order?...Now please put some pants on...
A couple of days ago, UPS delivered a package for me down in recieving, which I assume is the new title
for the quote contest...Unfortunately, with Ghand cavorting about noone was brave enough to go and
get it...So, until Ghand puts some freakin' clothes on, we'll have to deal with this:
**INSERT CONTEST NAME HERE**
For one more week...*cough*...
Here's this week's *COUGH* quote contest, someone, for the love of all that is not entirely terrible in this
world, answer...Quickly...PLEASE!!!...You don't know what it's like living in fear...*shivers*...
"Ninety percent of everything is crap."
If you know who said that, let me know. Soon...
*hears a noise*...What was that?!?...Ach Himmel!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!